Questioning our beliefs
Learning to talk to strangers: Week 5
Last year I completed a 6 week course Transformational Conversations led by Georgie Nightingall. Each week I shared a few things about what I’ve learned.
Our assumptions and beliefs about ourselves in conversations can really hold us back. We know this is true from research, people have been found to systematically underestimate how much conversation partners will, and do, enjoy talking to us — also known as the liking gap. Another recent study showed that we systematically overestimate the awkwardness and underplay the advantages of connecting with strangers. These expectations and beliefs might be holding us back. Which is why this week we spent time checking in on our own beliefs, how these might be affecting us in conversation and strategies for improving.
A bundle of beliefs
The first observation from this week’s course is that when we look at our beliefs and identity there’s value in not getting too fixated on a single perspective. We are all hugely influenced by the people we are with, the context of what we are doing and the role we are playing. So although we might be trying to unpick some beliefs we hold, there will be moments when we believe and act differently, when we play to a different part of our personality. Recognising this flexibility and looking at our beliefs gently, can be really helpful.
Negative thoughts
It’s clear from the research above that some of our limiting beliefs might well be shared:
- I am not being interesting enough / They don’t like me
- I don’t know enough to talk about this
- Everyone will know people already, I’ll be the odd one out
- They’re getting bored by me…
But there will also be situations where we will have developed beliefs that are limiting us personally.
We were invited to look for examples of conversations where we struggled, and look at the beliefs that might be affecting these situations. I realised that in conversations with extended family, I often get overcome with anxiety about not knowing or remembering about this person’s life or my family’s history. This belief then limits my ability to be curious and interested when I see family. For fear of asking questions that I feel I should know the answer to. Look at the conversations you find difficult and start to unpick the belief — what assumptions am I making? What beliefs do I hold? This gentle analysis can help you understand why you’re finding it difficult and develop strategies for becoming more at ease with these beliefs and situations.
A small step towards positivity
Attempting to unilaterally bust the belief that we have uncovered might seem like the obvious switch, but it’s a big ask. So instead we begin with more subtle shifts in our beliefs. I can try to accept that I might not know some key things about the people I’m having conversations with, and that that’s ok, I can give myself permission to ask more questions. Rather than thinking that this is a great conversation I’m having with a stranger, I can look for small signs that they might be enjoying some parts of it. This subtle shift towards positivity can be helpful in other domains too. From thinking I’m really terrible at learning languages, to thinking I might only be slightly worse than average!
