connections

So I was vegan. Twice.

Oh crap. We’re not talking about my diet again are we?

No, something a little more interesting. I was in my last year of high school when I decided to go vegan the first time.

Was she prettty?

Of course. That’s not the point though. It was my first experience in … real communication challenges. In retrospect, I suppose making that lifestyle change put me in a different cultural category. It actually became a little more difficult to communicate with people.

Because you didn’t eat animal products. A white heterosexual male from a middle class background going to University in rural Canada, and you were feeling out of place.

Well no.. I..

You’re totally getting lynched by like a million visible minorities once they figure out who you are. You know that, right?

I said it was difficult to communicate, not that I felt persecuted. I’m not trying to say I understand the plight of marginalized peoples. I’m just saying it was odd. I’d tell people I was vegan and they’d start into this routine. “What about Fish?” No. “Eggs?” No. “You must eat cheese.” No. Then they’d look at me like the final understanding of my dietary constraints had somehow caused them indigestion. They’d make this face and shake their head.

You know you just lost us 2 out of the 3 readers of the blog just there. What’s up 3, we love you.

Alright alright. So what’s interesting about that? It was my first taste of this weird thing that happens when you decide not to participate in the cultural norms.

I’m going to slip gently into a coma over here too, is there a point to this?

Fast forward to my consulting days.

Big money, heavy drinking, fast women?

Not exactly. But there was a lot of partying. I was tremendously overweight.

More than you are now?

Shh. Not an interesting part of the story. I was going downhill in those days, lots of eating out and drinking and carrying on. It caught up with me eventually, and I started to come to my senses. I realized I needed to pay attention to my body more closely and really get back into good health. I needed to take drastic action. I eliminated all unhealthy elements of my diet. No alcohol, no sugars, no breads, meat or dairy. I even cooked foods less, preferring to eat raw green vegetables for the most part.

What like spinach and brocolli, that’s it? I’ve got a cousin like that most of the family thinks he’s a little .. you know, off.

Wheat grass juice, long 2h runs at a gentle pace, yoga and my martial arts training. Salads with lemon wedges and olive oil. Quinoa instead of rice. LOTS of steamed brocolli. For breakfast. Lunch. Dinner.

And so what happened?

I became the fittest and felt the most energetic I ever have in my life. I’ve never felt so alive or looked so… healthy. I had energy levels that were off the charts. People would ask me how I got the glow that I had, just because I was happy and energetic.

I feel like we’re coming up on the turn.

But I didn’t feel connected with friends and family anymore. Sharing a meal — the same meal — with friends or family connects us in a way that I don’t quite understand. Having a drink with friends was always a great way to unwind and bond. I found myself having meals with family where I was bringing the stuff that only I would eat, and turning down my friends when they asked me to come out to the bars or to their homes. I’m not that strong willed, I knew that if I was in a situation where alcohol was available I would start down the “maybe just one wouldn’t hurt” path.

That sounds like the kind of thing an alcoholic might say.

I don’t know about that. Taking yourself out of the situation that may lead to undesirable outcomes sounds like simple wisdom to me. But here’s the thing. I wouldn’t show up at parties or events anymore for partially that reason. Or when I would show up there would be the inevitable conversation that went something like: “Wow, you look great!! What have you been doing?” and I’d reply with “Well, just eating really healthy and exercising. I try to keep poisons like sugar and alcohol completely out of my diet. Dairy products too — has it ever struck you as weird that we drink something that comes out of a cow?” After a few minutes of talking through what I’ve been up to, it became apparent that the end result was that the people were bummed about their own lifestyle choices.

Ha, yes I’m sure because they wanted to be you?

No I don’t mean that, I just meant that talking about studies I’d read about meat doing terrible things to your system, or reviewing the simple fact that alcohol is actually poison to human beings would lead to folks looking at their glass of whatever and setting it down.

It sounds like you were a tremendous freaking downer.

Well that’s it. Because no one — at least not in my social circles or my family — lives that way. I found myself out running by myself, at the gym, in the dojo or at a yoga class way more. which was great for my body, but I had virtually nothing in common with most of the folks in those environments. I’m a technology geek! So I was kind of out in the cold. I mean, I was married by this time and we had a cute little house and got a dog.

That doesn’t sound so bad.

It wasn’t bad at all but I felt disconnected. I had a lifestyle that no one around me could relate to. I guess the idea is that you eventually find some new social circles that have similar philosophies and make similar choices and away you go. But I thought the disonance was very interesting. People pulled back when I said I wasn’t drinking anymore. Anytime I went to a bar and just had water it was only a matter of time before someone said “aw cmon, just have one… “ and then they’d proceed to be genuinely offended when I insisted on sticking with water.

Maybe you’re more fun when you’re drunk.

Thanks for that. But the point I’ve taken so long to get to is that I think in some crazy way the vices we agree to in society bind us. When you abandon the vices you’re suddenly outside the collective in a big way. People don’t seem to want to be reminded that some of the things they enjoy are not healthy distractions. The foil of the abstinant in situations where vices are freely enjoyed becomes a very uncomfortable thing. The person abstaining feels uncomfortable because it’s an act that he/she can’t particpate in, and the folks enjoying whatever it is feel uncomfortable. In the case of getting drunk, I’d have to leave parties early. A room full of drunken folks was suddenly not as fun as it once was. The partigoers felt some discomfort too — it felt to some like I was looking down my nose at them, judging them for being so weak.

That seems a little narcissistic. I’m sure they didn’t give a crap about you at all.

I wanted to lead this conversation to a question. How far can you go down the path of purifying yourself and still remain connected to friends, family and the folks around you?

I think you’re at the edge of a precipice with that question.

Certainly so. That can lead down some dark paths. Said another way I guess — how do we stay connected with people if we abandon the common rituals and customs? Let’s say I go back to raw green veggies and wheat grass. You could say — find some friends that think the same way and have brocolli parties!

Are you trying to tell me something here?

But let’s say I continue the process, dropping other habits that are socially accepted but I consider negative. Alcohol, sugar, gossiping, watching TV, idly surfing the web, golfing.

Wait, what? Golfing?

I love the sport, but c’mon. It’s completely absurd, and it’s taking a tremendous amout of resources to build these lush grounds for an exlusive few. There are some great things about the sport but I think if I wanted to live a more focused existence I’d drop that from the list too.

So then, you’re a monk?

Exactly my point. How do I live a life like an ascetic but work on a job in the real world? How do I relate with people if I’m spending my time meditating and eating broccoli? At some point, the only social circle I think you find is monks. But I’m an atheist so that’s extra problematic.

Maybe it’s this connection you’re looking for that we should examine.

I think you’re right. We’re as far down this rabbit hole as I want to get tonight.