Inspiring TalkLifer Jesse talks about his personal journey with bipolar for World Bipolar Day to raise awareness and help others who are struggling with their diagnosis.
I can still feel the hard hits on my legs, see the bruises on my thighs, and hear my heart beating rapidly in my chest. I still remember being so afraid of coming home, and seeing her, and wondering what mood she would be in. I still beat myself up for not being able to do more to protect my younger brothers and sister. we were physically and mentally abused by the one person you’d expect to always be there. My mom was hooked on methamphetamine. My dad was never in the picture. As things got worse, I was split up, now alone, and placed in foster care. But, despite how horrible all of that was, I never gave up.
Struggling is a part of life, the only difference is, how much we get, but all pain is relative. It makes no sense to compare it. While growing up, I felt worthless. I felt helpless. Hope was foreign. I felt guilty for not being able to shield my younger siblings from the abuse. I felt angry that all of that happened, and I felt it was unfair. I struggled with depression, self-harm, and had two suicide attempts. But through it all, I decided that I wanted to take all of that, all the ugliness, frustration, and sadness, and try to turn it into something beautiful, something helpful, as crazy as that sounds.
I wasn’t diagnosed as having Bipolar 2 until about two years ago. I thought it was just solely depression, and that my manic days were just my good days. Getting the diagnosis was scary, but also, relieving. Dealing with the things I had growing up, gave me a pretty good reason to feel down. But, on some days, even when life was fine, actually, despite how life was going, I felt sad. Sad enough to consider suicide. This would last for a week or two, then go. On other days, I would wake up buzzing with energy. I was on edge, negative consequences didn’t exist,I felt absolutely invincible, and life was better than it ever had been! Or at least, that’s how it felt, though nothing had really changed. Then I would feel annoyed at the slightest thing, like every little sound was nails on a chalkboard, or like a little kid was poking you in the arm all day. I’d lash out at my friends, say things I didn’t mean, and take things personally that I wouldn’t have just a day before. The next day, I’d have to play “clean up”, apologize to everybody, beat myself up over it, then fall back into depression. It was frustrating, and didn’t make any sense. Those with bipolar disorder know the constant ups and downs, and how we feel like we’re stuck on an emotional rollercoaster. And those who don’t have it, I’m sure can imagine how tough that makes life.
I started therapy and was prescribed mood stabilizers. It took time to get used to them, but I think they saved my life. Life felt what I assume “normal” people must feel as being stable. I knew now that I wasn’t just some “damaged” foster kid, as I had been called. I had an illness, just like any other, except mine shows up in my moods, though bipolar disorder is much more complex than a change in mood. My friends were supportive every step of the way, and I’ve always been open about my illness. I know there’s a very big stigma around mental illness, but we shouldn’t be ashamed of having one. It doesn’t define us, though it can make life much harder. But it isn’t a weakness, or a character flaw. It’s another struggle in life, and we all struggle with one thing or another.
I do parkour, write poetry, volunteer on support apps like TalkLife, do some gaming with friends, and watch anime. I try to use the mood swings as energy to fuel me. If I’m depressed, my poems are sad. If I’m manic, I exercise. One phrase that always helps me is: Thoughts don’t have to become actions. As hard as it is, I try to remind myself that these feeling will pass, and I can always count on my friends to support me every step of the way. We’re not so different than anybody else except for our type of struggle, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t define us.
My story might be different from yours, but we all share the same emotions. Who can’t relate to being hurt, or frustrated, or sad. Maybe not quite to the same degree as in Bipolar disorder, but still. My strength is also not different from yours. You’re just as strong, and just as capable. Life is still tough. Bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness, but don’t be ashamed. I understand that it can be a tough topic to discuss, but it feels very freeing to be open about it. Don’t let other’s inability to see your value, make you feel like it isn’t there.
I hope that sharing my story might help you see your own strength as well. The greatest thing we can do with our pain, is use it to relate to others, and share our stories of coping, regardless of where we are in that process. Try to turn every obstacle into just another stepping stone, and remember to reach out if you need to. Just take things one day at a time. We all have demons to fight, but above all else, never give up.
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You can find more information about what World Bipolar Day hopes to achieve by visiting: http://www.worldbipolarday.org/.
