Permission to Breathe: How “Productivity” Traps Those of Us with Depression

It may have been only a few days, or maybe weeks, since you showered. You’re not sure how long you’ve worn the clothes you wear now. Dishes are piled high, food rots in the refrigerator, and you are not sure the last time you ate. You know you must move, and yet you spend your time curled up in bed, or on the couch, binging Netflix or scrolling through your phone, hoping the pixels will distract you from the guilt pooling in your stomach and solidifying, weighing you down like you swallowed a brick.

You know what? I give you permission to look at those screens and stay on that couch.

Don’t get me wrong, self-care tasks like showering, changing clothes, cleaning, and eating are necessary, and you absolutely need to do them.

However, I think the guilt of shutting down prolongs our depressive episodes. Guilt seems to be the trigger for our cyclical pattern: Functioning normally for a time until you’re not, feeling guilty that you are not like other people, shutting down because of that guilt, prolonging a depressive episode because you shut down… it’s like a chain reaction.

So to break that chain reaction, I give you permission for one day… don’t hang on to that guilt.

Personal guilt is debilitating, and it isn’t your fault you feel this way:

When I say to “let go” of that guilt, I don’t mean it will be an easy task. You may have to actively fight against that guilt, and you may need more than a day to get adequate rest in-between your battles with guilt… It’s just how you and I are made.

Consider a study mentioned in this article from The Harley Therapy Counseling Blog; The author writes:

“A 2012 study at the University of Manchester scanned the brains of participants, looking for reactions brought on by thinking of an imaginary event. In those who had never been depressed, areas of the brain related to guilt were activated but in balance with areas of the brain that relate to accurate judgments leading to appropriate behavioral choices.

In the brains of people who had been depressed, the responses of these parts of the brain were not as integrated. They struggled more to have perspective on difficult events and see things in context, leaving them more likely to feel guilty and responsible even if things were not their fault.”

Just because our brains our wired differently, doesn’t mean we are doomed. It just means we will have to work a little harder to remind ourselves that our brain is sending us wrong signals, which is why you don’t need to feel guilty (on top of what you are already feeling) to take days to solely focus on yourself and your need to rest. Would we shame someone who is blind for wearing glasses to help them function? Your resting is your glasses. Your brain needs it to function.

I don’t believe guilt is purely internal:

I believe our guilt is fabricated by something else as well, something larger than ourselves. Our paralysis isn’t simply because our brains are wired differently, I believe it is also the product of a capitalist society: where a person’s “worth” is based on how productive they are, how much they work, how much they do.

Some people naturally thrive in this environment, and many of us don’t. Many of us weren’t made to be machines. Those of us with guilty/depressive brains need rest, and to rest often. Some of us can only emotionally handle a few tasks in a day. Some of us need a slower pace to enjoy life, and some of us need more boundaries than others to feel safe. There is nothing wrong with someone who is more sensitive to their emotions and to the environment. We also have inherent worth in our society, and it’s not one of high productivity. Many of these people are the creators and observers, the writers and the artists, the builders and the dreamers. You are more than a guilty/depressive brain. I would argue most of us depressed kids are the artists of society in our own ways. This doesn’t mean we are all painters or poets, but that our brains are just different. No worse than a “normal” brain. We just have our own weaknesses AND strengths.

Modern society is crushing our artists, where menial tasks have little meaning for us, and our sensitive natures amplifies every feeling, slight, and expectation. When we are expected to be moving and doing all the time, while keeping our bodies trim and our houses pristine, while advancing in our careers and maintaining an active social life… plus hobbies(!)… no wonder it overwhelms us and shuts us down.

And when we shut down, we are guilted by ourselves and others:

“You spend too much time on that phone”

“You spend too much time laying around”

“What have you even done today?”

“Why don’t you ever go out?”

“Your house is a mess…”

And on and on. And we become paralyzed. And we don’t live.

You see, our worthiness as human beings are not determined by the state of our house, by our cleanliness, by our social life, or by any other arbitrary measure of “productivity.” The fact that we ascribe the monetary phrase “worth” to a human being, reveals the issue. You are not a machine or a dollar bill, you are a human. You are legitimate and deserve to be here by your beating heart and breath in your lungs.

So today, I give you permission to just breathe.

Reject the guilt. Just for one day. Because even if you’re depressed and un-showered and hungry and your house is messy, you are still a person, and that’s enough.

If you take one day to truly rest, I believe you can begin to move on, even if it’s in baby steps. Chronic guilt takes away our ability to rest. What people describe as “laziness” for a depressed person is really just your mind trying to heal from emotional wounds. And guilt picks at those wounds, never allowing your mind to heal. Because of this, your depressive period, and therefore your “laziness” continues. (I believe our society should help someone who is stuck in this period instead of criticizing them, but that’s just me!)

When you have given yourself a day (or however many you need) to just be, to live one day without guilt picking at your wound, then try to take the next steps in self-care: showering, eating, cleaning your house, seeing your friends, etc.

But take each task a day at a time… except for eating… probably should do that.

Clean your dishes one day, wash and dry the laundry the next day, put the laundry up three weeks from now. Talk to your friend on the phone for just one hour a week after. Create something, even if it is little, because you know your soul longs for it. And if you get into another depressive episode, it’s completely ok. Life moves in cycles.

But always remember to take one day for yourself to do whatever you need to do without guilt.

So scroll your Facebook today for three hours, binge on Netflix for four. The world will be fine if you do nothing today, and so will you. Breathe.

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