Understanding Self-Harm
Professional counsellor and journalist, Katerina Georgiou talks about how complex self-harm can be and how to cope with it. www.kgcounsellor.com
The word ‘self-harm’ brings with it all sorts of emotions. It’s a taboo that we rarely speak of and those who don’t do it can’t always understand why someone would, which makes talking about it tricky. It’s easy to wrongly assume that someone self-harming must be wanting to die, or — even worse –is looking for attention. On the contrary: many who self harm go out of their way to hide it, keeping private this part of themselves as a silent way of coping — of staying alive. Many feel it’s their only way to cope, and might be harbouring feelings of low self-worth, sadness and emptiness that they can’t escape.
I’m 34 now, but when I was a teenager I knew a girl in my year at school who harmed herself. I never saw her do it directly but others did see and more than anything we were confused. At our young age, nobody could quite understand: on paper, she was beautiful, highly intelligent, funny and friendly — not that that means anything in itself, because someone’s internal emotional world bears no relevance to their perceived exterior success. But beneath that she was suffering terribly. I had no knowledge or experience of self harm at the time and kept wondering why somebody would do that to themselves, and could only imagine the physical pain that hurting oneself would create. Despite this, nobody thought badly or less of her for it — yes, we were all confused; but we also had compassion and wanted her to be ok. And I take strength from that idea that talking out about what you’re going through can have positive effects if you talk to the right people.
20 years later, I’m a qualified counsellor and my knowledge and understanding of self-harm is — thankfully — much more informed. I can’t ever know the complex circumstances around that girl at school that led her to self-harm, but I can say that above all, self-harm is a way of being able to feel. There are many types of self-harm and the extremes one goes to differ, but they come from a similar emotional place. Sadly, that place is misunderstood. Many interpret the behaviour as linked to suicidal feelings when in reality, it rarely has anything to do with wanting to die; if anything, it’s a desperate attempt to feel alive. Often, the sharp pain can focus a person’s attention on the immediate now, either forcing them to feel something — anything — amid the emptiness they feel in other areas of their lives. Alternatively, a person’s pain and suffering can be so unbearable that the harming can be a forced distraction from all the confused thoughts and feelings going on in their mind and body. Equally, some report that the routine involved in harming and healing gives them a sense of control and power around the chaos — where it becomes the one reliable thing the person can trust.
Of course, harming oneself like this has long-term damaging effects. Aside from the physical risks it puts you under, it can create feelings like shame, and efforts to hide it can lead to other avoidant behaviours, and what starts out as a form of control can quickly become out of control, addictive and a trap.
So how do we find ways to cope and feel that don’t involve such extreme measures?
If we look at the key things that lie at the root of self harm — the wish to feel, the desire for a sense of control, a distraction or outlet for all the other difficult pains going on in one’s life — it becomes easier to look for where we can find those things elsewhere.
There are loads of activities that force an acute awareness of self in the now that don’t involve harm: certain types of sport, dance, meditation, cooking — what works for you will differ for everyone, but the process of finding that out can in itself bring a sense of purpose. Be aware that there are some sites and forums on the internet that purport to be supportive but are in fact glorifying the process and are simply giving people tips on how to self harm more — these sites are dangerous and it’s important to be able to able to differentiate between them and know where to find support that’s helpful. Sites like TalkLife are well managed and can give you the space to talk about what you’re going through in life without fear of being taken advantage of. Just knowing there are others there who understand you, but who also have your wellbeing at heart and want you to cope with life in healthy ways, can make a powerful difference. Talking out about how you feel can be difficult at first, but if you can find a safe space and place to do it in, to thrash out all the pains and situations you find yourself in with a trusted listener who understands the mechanisms of what you’re going through and can help you find other outlets for those emotions, this in itself can be liberating. So much of our pain stems from feeling alone. There will be countless people on TalkLife who share your experience and will understand.
If things feel really bad, please seek out a counsellor who has experience with understanding self-harm. Make sure that they have proper credentials: they should be registered with a bona fide regulatory body and have a formal qualification in counselling, psychotherapy, counselling psychology or clinical psychology. They should be able to demonstrate their credentials. Trust your instinct and if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. There are also valuable self-harm helplines you can call for free. Please, use these avenues for support. Life is really hard, what you’re going through is common, and the right support is out there.
If you are struggling with self harm you can find more options for support here.
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