Saying “I don’t know” without shame
We hear the phrase “I don’t know” (IDK) being uttered all the time, but what’s going on when we say IDK too much, or when we refuse to say it at all? How can we really own saying IDK without feeling weak, ignorant, or uncultured?
In this post, I examine the usage of IDK and the thinking behind it. Skip to the end if you wish to learn how to say IDK without losing dignity and respect.
First, let us establish that “I don’t know” is used as a response to a question, and this is often an interaction between two or more people — meaning it’s a social situation. This will make sense later, as we see that saying “I don’t know” is very much a social signal.
Never versus Often saying IDK — Two sides of the shame coin
Let’s first examine those who never say “I don’t know”. Of course, never is probably an exaggeration, so here I refer to those who infrequently use the phrase. In many situations, these are authoritative figures or people who believe they have to uphold some sort of image as a leader or being all-knowing. This may be a teacher, a parent, a boss, or a government official.
Why do we not say IDK as leaders? Because we are afraid to show uncertainty and many times, the system punishes us for not knowing. A teacher who doesn’t know the answer to a math question? “You should know this, if not what are you being paid for?” is the response.
This is a slippery slope. If we see our educators as all-knowing individuals, a spoon-fed culture is the result that we see today, where instead of saying “I don’t know, let’s find out together”, an unhelpful “you should know this, don’t ask me”, or “we mentioned this in class, go read your notes again” is mentioned.
Not saying IDK as a leader kills curiosity and makes us unapproachable.
On the contrary, what about someone who often says “I don’t know”? In fact, I’m sure many of us either know someone who does this or is that person ourselves.
I’ve experienced this many times. A lecturer asks a question, say “what is the function of the p53 gene?” And I’ve got an inkling of the answer in my head, something like “cancer… tumor…”, but because I’m afraid that answer is not enough, and saying it would reveal my ignorance, I chicken out and say “I don’t know”, pretending my mind was completely blank.
Why do we say IDK even when we know the answers? Because it allows us to disengage and take the safe way out. Saying IDK is like an invisibility cloak that renders us immune to any judgment.
Such disengagement is detrimental for we start defaulting to IDK instead of truly wanting to find the answers.
What do these two behavior patterns have in common? They both stem from the shame of “not knowing”.
We’re taught from a young age that it’s not okay to not have the right answers. When our systems measure success in a quantitative, binary manner, we leave no wiggle room for being wrong and making mistakes. When our parents, teachers, and leaders in our lives always strive to be perfect or never admit they don’t know, we model after them.
The shame of not knowing keeps us in the dance of pretending we know everything while disengaging enough to not show our ignorance. We throw the same expectations onto others — answering the boss’s question with IDK means you didn’t do a thorough job, and you’ve ‘lost’ to someone who aced the Q&A.
Saying “I don’t know” without shame
Where do we go from here? How can we learn to say IDK without the attached judgments, without feeling like we’re the only one in the room who doesn’t know the answers?
Here’s my framework for owning saying IDK:
1. Let go of the thinking that questions are tests of your intelligence
This one tackles the shame of not knowing head-on. Free yourself from the threat of being seen in a negative light and instead focus the fact that questions are opportunities to learn more.
2. Realize that your knowledge of anything is dynamic
If there are any gaps in your knowledge, simply find out more and add to that critical mass in your head! Realize that you can learn anything you put your mind to, and the learning process requires making mistakes. This is known as having a Growth Mindset, as coined by Professor Carol Dweck.
3. Learning to articulate a form of IDK that shows your true intentions
I’ve learned that a way to say IDK and still own it contains four parts:
- Starting with “I don’t know” or some variant: “I’m not sure”, “I could be wrong”, “I don’t have a full answer”
- Indicating that this refers only to your current state of knowledge: “at this point in time”, “right now”, “for now”
- Alluding to your knowledge being dynamic: “but”, “however”, “nonetheless”, “even so”
- Ending off with an action to learn more: “I am willing to learn more”, “I will find out more”, “we can look this up together”, “please tell me more”
Together, an example of an owning-your-IDK statement would look like this, “I don’t know at this point in time, but I’m willing to find out more.”
Of course, the situations in which people say IDK are more varied than the two I’ve explored here. It is important to peel back the layers and understand the inner forces driving our actions, even if they’re as small as our IDK-saying habits.
As Neil deGrasse Tyson said:
There’s no shame in admitting what you don’t know. The only shame is pretending you know all the answers.
Thank you for reading till the end of this article! Here’s a little more about me:
I’m currently trying to get back into the habit of reading and writing more. If you’re curious, you can view my reading progress on Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/tankityung. Follow me on Medium or my publication: medium.com/tan-kit-yung to see more of my work.
