When I was a little girl I dreamed that someday I would become something. That somehow I would have the opportunity to prove to those who hurt me that I overcame and became so much more than they told me I would become.
Today I have a message for you, a simple one, but one I feel I need to share.
Don’t give up.
Much of my life I felt like God had something special planned for me. Like somehow that dream would be realized and I would heal from the heartache that has riddled my life since my early childhood.
I had dreams, whisperings of the spirit, little impressions here and there saying, “You are special”, “you are important”, “you are going to do great things”.
In 2 Nephi 2:1–2 from The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Lehi is blessing his son Jacob and says:
“In thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow…. Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.”
I felt as though this blessing applied to my life. That somehow I would help thousands of other people who were suffering from mental illness, depression and PTSD — people who also were suffering.
I was certain the opportunity to serve others of God’s children and help them to see that God had not abandoned them would bring joy and peace to my soul and bring me closer to God.
I wanted so badly to fulfill this dream. I prayed every day that I wouldn’t miss it. I prayed that I would figure out how to arrange my life in a way that I could create an online presence and still raise my family and meet all of their needs.
Promptings came and I would try for a little while and then it became overwhelming and I would fall back into old routines. I just couldn’t seem to keep my head above water with the overwhelming burden I was already carrying and then to add one more thing to my overflowing plate, I just didn’t push through hard enough.
Over time I felt like I missed my opportunity to serve God in the capacity I had always dreamed of.
My heart still longs to make a difference in this world. To lift the downtrodden. To comfort those who are in the midst of darkness. To help others to feel the love of their Savior Jesus Christ. My heart aches for the opportunity to touch the lives of those people, if even momentarily.
In recent months I have been hospitalized for uncontrollable thoughts of suicide. I didn’t want to die and yet a part of me felt so broken that for some reason it seemed the only option. Me, the girl who longed to bring people out of darkness and leading them to Christ, found myself in the darkest pit of despair I had ever faced.
I couldn’t see His light shining down on me even though I knew he was there. I didn’t and still struggle to feel his love despite the fact that I am trying so hard to feel close to him. I know that He is there and yet I ache because I don’t feel him close by.
I often feel as though He has abandoned me. I know this is false. I know that my God would never abandon any of his children. He wants all of us to be saved. The last thing he would want is for one of us to feel as though suicide is the only way out.
That is how Satan speaks to us.
He kicks us when we are down. He makes us feel alone and utterly helpless and does everything he can to remove all hope from our existence.
Satan lost his opportunity to have a mortal body. He chose another path, though a body is something he so desperately wants. He does everything he can to get us to hate and loathe ourselves. He wants nothing more than to destroy our very existence. What joy it must bring him when he brings one of God’s beloved children to take their own life. To take from themselves the very thing he can’t have.
I don’t want this ending for myself and I don’t want it for anyone else. My family has experienced the heartache and suffering of suicide first hand. We know what it does to the people who love them the most. We know the damage that it does to the souls of those who live on without them. What a dark and heartbreaking decision it is to take your own life.
I fought so hard in the hospital to change my mindset. I lay in my hospital bed writhing in spiritual and emotional agony as I fought the deepest and darkest desires to end my own life. To think of my dear husband and children having to pick up the pieces of my loss was almost too much to bear. Why was I fighting so hard to protect myself from myself?
Only God knows the inner workings of the mind and our lives so perfectly as to understand what had happened to me to lead me to this awful place.
I had lived a righteous life, I was keeping the commandments to the best of my ability and staying true to the covenants I had made to my husband and most importantly to God. I have spent my life trying to hold on for the ride as trial after trial seem to rattle every ounce of my being. The refinement that God seems to know is best for my personal growth.
The trials in my life are ones I would never wish upon even my perpetrators. They are uniquely mine. They are pain-filled. They are ugly, and gosh dang it have they been exhausting.
I have cried many tears fighting the hopelessness of my mind and heart all these years. I have been broken and rebuilt into a better version of myself each and every time I have been knocked down. What makes this trial any different than the last? My heart has been broken and beaten to a bloody pulp and then burned over and over again and somehow I have risen from the ashes every time.
You will too.
Keep fighting through the pain. Keep working through your problems. Keep looking to the things that bring you peace and joy. Most importantly, keep looking to Christ for a healing and salvation more perfect than you could possibly ask for. He knows your deepest pains, he has felt them and he has groaned with pain for your very circumstance. Look up and he will catch you my friend. It may be a long and painful journey ahead, but you will not fail if you look to him.
May the Lord bless you and your loved ones.
~Tamara
