The last several months have been quite possibly the hardest of my life. I would be lying if I told you I felt like God has been present for all of it. Despite the fact that I know he is there, I have felt quite abandoned and alone. I have felt as though he built me up for the biggest let down and mistake of my life and left me on the ground to bleed out.
I am drowning.
I felt like God had something special for me. That I had missed out on some blessings. What I didn’t expect was that all of the accumulated traumas in my life came to a boiling head all at the same time and then exploded all over the beautiful life I had. I can see how the Lord was not only trying to bless me, but to protect me from the most devastating trial of my life to this point.
Listening to the Holy Ghost blesses and protects you. If you are feeling prompted and urged to do something, listen. Be obedient. No matter how difficult it may seem, don’t give up. Just keep trying over and over again until you are able to make it work, because I guarantee you that the rewards will be rich, and the protection will be incomparable.
God loves us and wants to bless and protect us if we are willing to listen and be obedient to his call. A desire to be obedient is not enough. You must be absolute in your obedience to him. He knows exactly what you need and how to provide it for you. Opportunities will come and go, but if you have been dreaming about or feeling urged to heed a prompting, JUST BE OBEDIENT. DO IT.
I don’t know why I will always have to learn everything the hard way. I don’t know if I will ever experience true joy and happiness in this life. I don’t know if I will ever be able to just take what I am given and go with it.
I want God to bless me. I have made so many changes and sacrifices in my life because I love my Heavenly Father so much. All I have ever wanted was to make him proud of me and to be made whole. I feel like being obedient to that prompting would have provided both for me. Instead, I wallow in the despair of disobedience.
Had I known I would be facing the possibility of suicide, I would have tried harder when I had the chance. Now I am overwhelmed by everything and worry that I may never be ready for the difficulties that lie ahead for me. I fear that struggles and grief will continue to compound and I will crumble in the face of them all.
I wanted to become something more. I wanted to feel like I had some importance and value in the world. I wanted to have that pride in knowing I had overcome my demons. Instead I battle the dark pit of all of my accumulated traumas as a defeated mess.
Do everything you can to live up to God’s standards and promptings. The rewards and blessings are worth the effort and sacrifice. It is worth every struggle to get there. Just do it. Don’t let fear or doubt or the idea that you are not enough, ever get in the way of living up to your potential. It is not worth the hell that I am going through now. The losses are too great.
God knows everything. He will bless you if you will but listen.
~Tamara
