In this post, I’m going to discuss some lessons I’ve learned at work in hopes that you will either relate to them, laugh at them, or avoid them completely. I noticed during my three, long years in Corporate America that a lot of the “mistakes” I made (I don’t think I’ve done anything that wrong, but there are definitely things I wouldn’t do again) have been gendered.
I felt (and still feel) a need to be “liked” and “not bitchy” at work, which has led to me laughing awkwardly at offensive comments, saying yes to requests regardless of how appropriate they are, and apologizing profusely for things that weren’t my fault.
Now let’s go back to where it all began — my first job.
After college, I moved back home to Boston and following a few unsuccessful months of applying to positions on job boards, a friend offered to refer me for a job at Google. Having received around 50 rejection emails at that point, I jumped at the opportunity (inflated tech salary plus moving to San Francisco?! …yes plz).
The role was a type A person’s fantasy (think: lots of color coding, logistics, and organizing; all things I’m terrible at, but did I mention it was in San Francisco?). My team consisted mainly of women and gay men in their early twenties (a pretty bomb time, let’s be honest), marathon-scheduling interviews for software engineers. This was done while listening to Spotify playlists, eating lots of free food, and drinking something called “spa water.”
Despite the free food and drinks (which were amazing btw), there were downsides. One of the drawbacks was that I spent most of my day pissing people off. There were two main reasons for this: 1) most engineers hated interviewing and were frustrated by me merely doing my job and 2) something would always go wrong — someone wouldn’t show up, a manager would be left off the panel, etc. Sometimes the mistake would be on me, but most of the time it was out of my control.
Regardless of the situation, a ritual began. An angry email would appear in my inbox and I would send the obligatory sorry-soliloquy to anybody who would listen.
On my last day at Google, I searched my inbox for the word “sorry” and the results were staggering. I had a come-to-Jesus moment when I saw it. Like an alcoholic who realizes they are no longer functional, I knew I had to break the “I’m sorry” habit.
The thing about apologizing profusely is that not only will people take you at your word (if you’re apologizing all of the time, people will think you’re less competent), but even worst than that, you will begin to believe it too. The “sorries” will seep into your subconscious and take over.
Eventually I began apologizing so much that I started to view myself as a fuck-up.
I knew that I had to be different in my next position so I made an internal pact to think twice before sorry-ing. It wasn’t as simple as just removing the s-word from my vocabulary; I’ve learned that owning and acknowledging your mistakes can actually be empowering at times. The key is to not over-do it.
Really think before you apologize — and — if it’s not your fault, don’t apologize! If you are responsible for whatever occurred, say it once (this part is very important — Only. Apologize. Once.). People want to get shit done and your self-deprecation shame spiral actually slows things down. Making mistakes is inevitable. Expect them. I learned that describing how to fix the problem is far more meaningful than the apology itself.
Pro Tip: Instead of saying sorry, say something along the lines of, “I understand your frustration. These are the steps I’m taking to fix the problem…”
After leaving Google with a year of work experience behind me, I thought I was a whole new Jules (Jules 2.0, if you will). I was ready to leave that self deprecating little girl behind and become the corporate bitch I knew I was destined to become. After another few months of applying for work on job boards, money started to get tight, and I eventually took something that wasn’t my dream job, but was a step in the right direction.
The role was pretty similar to what I was doing before, except the company was a lot smaller and I got to take on more responsibility. I was feeling fulfilled by my work and was starting to move away from viewing myself as a mess-up. Instead, I was beginning to see myself as burgeoning power bitch. I was getting things done and simultaneously ditching some of my confidence-depleting habits.
If you’d like a visual, imagine a slightly less toned version of Britney in the Work B**ch video.
After a few months of feeling great, things, as they have a tendency to, got more complicated. I refer to this next period as when I learned to ditch the “yes girl” routine.
Throughout my existence, I’ve considered myself to be a “yes person.” I was basically Jim Carrey in the movie Yes Man (remember that movie where he has to say yes to everything?). As you can probably guess, saying yes to everything eventually backfires for our good friend Jim. And similarly to the film’s denouement, over-yes-ing didn’t work out for me either.
A few months into my job, one of my coworkers began asking me to do a lot of menial tasks for him. What started out as occasionally assisting him on projects, escalated into me doing a bunch of his administrative duties. I wanted to be that laid back, super helpful person at work, but it snowballed until I felt like I was his secretary on top of my actual job.
Compounding the issue was the fact that he was significantly more senior: he was was one of the first employees at the company and also had a more senior title. From a company-politics perspective, I knew I was more expendable.
After seeking advice from a good friend at work, I got the validation I needed to push back on some of his requests. When I first started working, I assumed that the more helpful you are, the more successful you will be. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s quite that simple now. Saying no to things is equally as important as saying yes sometimes. Declining to do things on occasion means that you understand your limits and know what assignments are worth your time.
Pro Tip: There are a ton of non-confrontational ways to decline requests. My personal favorite is, “I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now, but if anything changes, I’ll let you know.”
Another break-through was finding out that what I was experiencing wasn’t unusual. There’s actually a term for this phenomenon. It’s called emotional labor. As human rights journalist Rose Hackman put in an article for The Guardian,
“It is perhaps because more and more women are entering formerly male dominated professions that they’re noticing that extra emotional — say, ‘female type’ — work is expected of them …[which includes] influencing office harmony, being pleasant, present but not too much, charming and tolerant and volunteering to do menial tasks (such as making coffee or printing documents).”
The assignments my former coworker was giving me were things you would ask your secretary to do — dictate emails, take notes at meetings, etc.
The dynamic became even more apparent when we were hiring another team member for the exact same position as me and he said he, “couldn’t imagine why a guy would take this job.” Hearing that was the final push I needed to start saying no to some of his more belittling requests.
So, I’d like to report that now, in my third job, I’ve dropped all of my negative habits. I’m not all the way there yet; I’m a work in progress with some tweaks. One upgrade I’ve made is being thoughtful regarding the people I spend time with. I’ve made a commitment to surround myself, both inside and outside of work, with people who make me feel self-assured. My best work comes when I’m feeling good about myself, so I do my best to stay away from people who drain my confidence. Obviously surrounding yourself with differing opinions is critical for growth, but people who diminish you or underestimate you constantly?
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m also trying to be less apologetic. When you’re constantly apologizing for yourself, whether it’s after a mistake, or as a precursor to what you have to say (think: “this may be a stupid question, but…”), you’re giving credence to people who are okay with belittling you. If you minimize yourself with your own words, you’re subtly giving others permission to do the same.
And to the people who think women are just “naturally better” at taking notes, taking the blame, and other administrative tasks, I have one thing to say to you…
