Photo Courtesy of Me Without You.

Welcome to the second edition of Ask a Tart, our advice column where we answer your qs in hopes of being the band-aid to your life boo-boo. Got a prob? Submit your questions to our email, thetartmagazine@gmail.com, with the subject line “Ask a Tart” or hop in the comments section.

Hi Tart,

I’m having some friend drama and I really need some help! It concerns one of my long-time BFFs. We’ve been best friends since high school and have supported each other through college and even after graduation. But lately, things have started to feel different.

As I gain more responsibility at my job, she’s become more demanding of my time. She gets mad at me when I try to tell her I’m busy or tired, and when I have time off, she refuses to interrupt her quiet weekends to hang with me. When we do get together, it’s one-sided conversation; all she does is talk about everything that’s wrong in her life. When I try to point out the good, she accuses me of not being on her side. I don’t remember her ever being this negative before! Is my friend’s demanding attitude and negativity a sign that this is now a toxic friendship, or should I be worried that she’s showing signs of depression?

-Tired of Listening

Hi TOL,

There’s a lot to unpack here! It’s not clear how quickly your friend’s attitude has changed, which could give us some insight as to what caused the change in her behavior. You think there are two options: your friend has just become a regularly unhappy, unpleasant person, OR she’s suffering from clinical depression.

Some high school besties were meant to last... some were not. // Photo Courtesy of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.

If it’s the former, you don’t have to RSVP “yes” to her pity parties; however, if she is suffering from depression, you’re going to want to support her in ways that are healthy and feasible for you. You’ve known her for years — has she gone through depressive episodes before? Does her current behavior remind you of how she acted at any other stage of your lives? From your letter, it sounds like you’ve already noticed irritability and isolation, which are concerning but not hard proof of depression on their own. Think about whether you’ve noticed fatigue, a change in her appetite, weight gain/loss, or emotional outbursts. These signs can point to a depressive episode.

As far as I can see, this scenario ends in one of two somewhat similar ways. First things first, you’ve gotta talk to her. You two have been friends for a long time and you need to cash in on the trust you two have *hopefully* built with each other over the years.

For now, put away your hurt feelings over her recent behavior, and focus your energy on helping her. Once you’ve sounded the alarm and said something like, “I’m worried you might be depressed. Do you think you should look into seeing a doctor?” remember that the ball’s in her court. It’s not within your powers to “fix” her depression. If she’s receptive, support and encourage her as she gets the help she needs.

Supportive af. // Photo Courtesy of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.

If she really thinks she feels fine, and it’s really her job/boyfriend/mom’s fault, then your job is to minimize her negativity’s impact on your own life. Initiate hangs when it’s good for you, respond to her invitations when you can, and cut her off and change the subject when you need to. In all matters, it’s just like the flight attendants tell you — secure your own oxygen mask first, then help others.

— Ashley Mick, Tart in Residence

Got Questions?! Ask a Tart! Submit your questions to our email thetartmagazine@gmail.com with the subject line “Ask a Tart.”