Rape culture, the time I was sexually harassed at 7/11, and how to appropriately talk to people.

by Lena Potts

Last Thursday night I went to the 7/11 around the corner from my house to grab some candy. As I was checking out the snacks, I was approached quite suddenly by a man who introduced himself to me as “Thomas”. Thomas was maybe 55 years old, and had the familiar, overly-confident air of someone who has been approaching random women in convenience stores his whole life.

Like nearly all women, I’ve been catcalled before, and frequently. Even sexually harassed. I’m not normally bothered by it. This is not at all a positive, and is in no way me talking about how “chill” I am. Sexual harassment is rampant and ridiculous. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, nearly 1 in 5 American women, and 1 in 71 men will experience rape or sexual assault in their lifetime. That it often doesn’t bother me greatly does nothing to change the fact that we live in a society where women’s bodies are seen as property, and that as such, this behavior can be extraordinarily threatening to a number of women, and people more generally. That I’m not bothered by it is only evidence of the normalization of rape culture.

Thomas walked up to me in the aisle while I was looking at my snack options and said “Excuse me”. I looked up at him and smiled, which I’ve learned I shouldn’t do, but always do anyway because I try not to be “rude” or to assume every man trying to talk to me is inherently untrustworthy. He asked my name as he shook my hand, and I said “Alex”, my middle name, which is what I normally tell people (men) when I feel like I might be in a sketchy situation. Rule #1 for when a situation with a random man starts to feel uncomfortable: lie about your name.

He didn’t let go, though, when I thought we were done shaking hands. In fact, he didn’t let go at all.

“Watch out now- my hands are rough and strong, see, because I work construction”, he said, still shaking my hand.

I just kept smiling and nodded.

“You are so pretty.”

Trying to be gracious, but realizing I was, at this point, stuck in this, I thanked him.

“How often do you come here?”

“Uhhhh, not too often.” Rule #2: be vague.

“Ha. Ha. What’s not too often?” Thomas still hasn’t given me my hand back.

“Uhh, I guess like every couple months.” I basically live at that 7/11. Rule #3: Keep lying to make yourself as unappealing, unavailable, and distanced as possible.

Thomas is disappointed. He’s still got my hand, though, and he was right- what a strong fucking grip. “Just that much? Man, that’s not too often at all then, is it? You live around here?”

Rule #4: Never tell anyone where you live. “No, not too close. A few miles from here.”

“That’s too bad. Damn, you sure are pretty.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmmm.” Thomas reaches out for my hair, and I pull away as far as possible (not too far, because he’s still got my hand). “That’s your real hair, isn’t it. That’s not that fake stuff?”

“Nope, that’s my hair.”

“Hahaha yeah, none of that fake stuff for you. Sure is your hair. Damn. Mmm mmm. Pretty pretty.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“I bet you got a man, though, right?”

“Yeah.” Rule #5: Always have a significant other. Your level of interest is not a barrier, but another man is. Because men respect each other and stuff.

“Yeah, I’m sure you do. Mmmmm. I could do some things with you.”

Silence. I’m just nodding and looking around, really wishing a stranger wasn’t holding onto my hand and telling me what he “could do” with me. I guess at least it wasn’t “to me”. How consensual of you, Thomas.

“So I can’t take you out then?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Thomas has released my hand. “That’s a damn shame. Mmmm. Well you have a good day now.”

“Thanks.”

And with that, Thomas walked up to the register to pay for whatever it was he came in there for. I had my snacks but wandered around in the aisle a little longer until he was out of the store. When I made my way up the register, one of the guys who works there, who I’ve talked to before, as a 7/11 regular, laughed and said, “What did the old man say to you?”

And I laughed, too, and said, “Why didn’t you help me?”

He just laughed. And so did I, shaking my head, and thanked him for my candy and went home. I told one of my male friends/housemates this story when he got home, although a somewhat redacted, shorter, ‘no big deal’ version, and he apologized and sympathized, and then we moved on to talking about other parts of our days.

I once had a male friend ask me if it was appropriate or creepy to approach a woman in a bar who he was attracted to. There seems to be some confusion about whether approaching a person, especially a woman, equals sexual harassment. And, to some extent, I get it. There are a lot of issues we encounter with sexual harassment and assault in a society where we, in heteronormative settings, expect men to approach women with sexual interest, and women to be pursued rather than pursuers. This is a problem. But also, let me assure you, there is absolutely a distinction between approaching a person you’re attracted to and sexually harassing them.

And, to me, one of the best markers of that line is respect. In considering whether to approach someone you’d like to eventually (or immediately, whatever) have sex with, which is a completely responsible and respectable thing to do, remember the following.

1. It’s important to note that women are people, and one of the easiest ways to know if you’re being appropriate is to treat them with respect. Would you shout your sexual interest across a crowded bar to someone you respect? Probably not. Would you trap them so that they couldn’t physically move away from you? Probably not. Would you make your sexual interest a matter of public humor or interest? Probably not. So DON’T DO THAT. If your plan is to approach someone politely and respond to the social cues and actual words they provide you like a human, then please, proceed!
2. Sexual assault is immensely widespread, and many people, mostly women, live their lives pretty afraid of it. Men- that is not at all our problem, and it is absolutely yours. Not all men rape, but enough men do that essentially all women fear it. So no, I will not apologize for the added burden of you needing to, in your approaching women, make it very clear that you are not a threat to their safety. And if that seems too much for you, you should probably not be having sex.

Because I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by men who are awesome, after we talked for a while, that friend said to me, “Yeah, well, that makes sense, because men are historically like the worst thing to happen to women”. And I laughed because he gets it, because he asked me about going to talk to that woman in the first place because he wants to be sensitive to and aware of these issues. But everyone doesn’t.

This is not an extreme story. I have not really been victimized nor do I feel like I’m in absolute danger. This is a pretty every day tale of some guy being moderately creepy. But that is exactly the problem. Telling a stranger in the middle of 7/11 what you could “do with them” sexually while immobilizing them should not be normalized. I shouldn’t have laughed with the guy at the counter about that, because it’s not funny. And I should not have toned the story down when I talked about it later. I should not have felt like telling it would have been whiny, or boring. And that I felt that way, even when talking to one of my best friends, who is incredibly supportive and understanding and wonderful, is very revealing of a culture that allows for much worse things to happen than deeply uncomfortable 7/11 encounters.

We’ve normalized this behavior to the extent that when women talk about anything less than actual, extreme violence against us, we often feel like we’re just making a fuss, when that’s simply untrue. More people should tell stories like these, because it should be clear that this is not OK. Someone doesn’t have to be brutally, physically harmed for something wrong to have taken place. The story I’ve told is just another example of the problematic gender norms and sexual culture we propagate that harm all people, regardless of gender or sexuality. Because, at the end of the day, Thomas did not respect me, nor did he treat me like a person of value and agency.

Because almost 20% of American women experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetimes, I am rightfully afraid of being sexually assaulted. It is not irrational, crazy, or anything else. That I’ve naturally coded the “rules” above for myself, and that many women will recognize them as their own behaviors, should be enough proof of the reality of this fear. Only recently have we begun to ask men to do better to solve this problem. Instead, the burden has implicitly been on women to “protect themselves”- to see potentially dangerous situations and avoid them. The problem is, with rape and sexual assault so common, what doesn’t feel like a dangerous situation?

Who knows if Thomas presented any real danger to me? I probably never will. But it is in no way my fault or my problem that he made me feel very threatened. That is the problem of those who commit sexual assault, and the culture that does nothing to stop them.