Meet Tart’s Resident Sexpert!

Sara Dueck has been writing about sex since 2017, having sex since 2010, and talking about sex with anyone who would let her for much longer. She’s dedicated to providing reliable sexual health information, normalizing pleasure, and breaking down shame-based sex myths. You can follow Sara on her website, Sex and The Rest, or on Facebook or IG at @sexandtherest.

Buying your first sex toy can be intimidating. I know, I’ve been there too. Most people (especially young women and trans and non-binary youth) receive damaging cultural messages about masturbation and self-pleasure. It’s difficult enough to overcome deeply internalized shame on your own, but it gets even more challenging when you live with family members or roommates who aren’t necessarily supportive. In an ideal world, we’d all grow up in a sex-positive environment, free to own our sexuality without shame. We’d display our dildos with pride, use bullet vibrators to adorn our bed frames like twinkle lights, and use butt plugs as ring holders. Alas, this is not the reality for most people. Unless you have the privilege of living with some extremely sex-positive people, you likely face hurdles like finding a good hiding spot for your sex toy, getting rid of tell-tale packaging and receipts discreetly, and having toys shipped to your home address without arousing the suspicions of nosey parents or roommates.

This guide to buying your first sex toy is far from exhaustive, but it should help point you in the right direction towards discovering shame-free self-pleasure.

Step 1: Figure out what kind of sensation you’re looking for

The sheer number of sex toys on the market is astounding. Your options extend well beyond classic bullet vibrators and dildos into butt plugs, anal beads, masturbation sleeves, cock rings, nipple clamps, and so much more. Don’t let this scare you — it means you get to choose just the right toy for your needs. But first you need to figure out what those needs are.

If external stimulation is your jam, you might be interested in trying a wand or vibrator. The shape of a toy affects the sensations it produces — large, vibrating heads like the ones found on wands tend to disperse rumbly vibrations over a larger area, while smaller shapes tend to pinpoint vibrations to a specific place.

If you’re into vaginal or anal penetration, you’ll probably want to try a dildo, butt plug, or anal beads. These can come in a variety of sizes and shapes, so you can decide exactly which areas the toys target. Some dildos are straight, and some have a curved shape so that they stimulate your g-spot. Dildos may be smooth, textured with ribs or graduated beads, or feature a larger bulb at the end to provide a greater sensation of fullness. The same goes for butt plugs: some are straight, some are textured, and some are curved to provide prostate stimulation. In the interests of safety and pleasure, make sure you select toys of an appropriate size, and, of course, use your toys for their intended purposes. This means you should only put toys with a flared base in your butt!

For folks who like stroking their penises, there are a whole bunch of toys out there for you. Masturbation sleeves offer penetrative sensations in a variety of sizes and degrees of tightness, and they come in a wide range of reusable and single use versions. While most stroking toys are designed for cisgender guys, stroking toys for trans dudes have started popping up on the market. Given the sheer wealth of options out there, chances are you’ll find something right for you.

Step 2: Recognize the limitations of your living arrangements, and plan accordingly

Put simply, do you want this toy to vibrate or not? Some toys, like the famous Magic Wand, boast deep, rumbly vibrations. While this is what makes the Magic Wand a cult favourite, it’s not exactly subtle. If you’re worried about being overheard by the people you live with, look for items that advertise quiet or discreet vibrations.

Vibrations require power. Some vibrating toys use disposable batteries, some are rechargeable, and some have power cords that plug directly into an outlet. Each option comes with its own set of limitations and benefits: toys that use disposable batteries are the most discreet and easy to travel with, but their vibrations tend to be less powerful and (depending on how hard you use them) they require new batteries relatively frequently; rechargeable toys don’t require new batteries constantly, but they do need a charging port, and those can be hard to hide; toys that utilize a power cord are usually the most powerful, but they are also the most cumbersome, loud, and difficult to use discreetly.

Of course, your toy doesn’t need to vibrate. Non-vibrating toys are by far the quietest, and some people (like yours truly) prefer non-vibrating toys. It’s all up to you to decide which option suits your lifestyle and preferences. Besides, it’s not like you have limit yourself to one sex toy.

Step 3: Choose your materials

This is where it’s crucial to do your research. In order to prevent any unwanted trips to the ER or risk exposing your body to toxic materials, it’s important to make sure that your toys are made of body safe materials. Unfortunately, the onus is on the consumer to find body safe toys, because there aren’t any specific sex toy regulations in the UK or the US. So, which materials are body safe?

The following materials are the ones that most sex educators and advocates agree are safe to put in your naughty bits.

1. 100% silicone. This material is FDA-approved for uses such as menstrual cups, so it passes the body safe test. Tantus has garnered a reputation for manufacturing high-quality, 100% silicone sex toys.
2. Stainless steel. Medical grade stainless steel is non-porous, durable, and easy to disinfect. Toys by njoy are considered the gold standard of stainless steel sex toys.
3. Aluminum. Stainless steel’s lightweight metal counterpart. Crowned Jewels makes a variety of body safe metal sex toys.
4. ABS plastic. This hard plastic has been found to be stable and non-leaching, which means that it likely won’t break down and release toxic chemicals into your body.
5. Borosilicate glass. This glass is tempered to withstand a wide range of temperatures and stresses without cracking or breaking, making it an ideal choice for temperature play. Crystal Delights and Luscious Playthings are highly regarded glass sex toy brands.
6. Ceramic. Glazed and kiln-fired ceramic is non-porous and safe to put in your bits. My Fucsia makes gorgeous, body safe ceramic dildos.
7. Wood. As long as the finish is medical grade, you’re good to go! NobEssence makes high-quality wood toys that are so beautiful, you’ll want to stick them on your display shelf after you’ve finished sticking them in your bits.

Want to know more about which materials you shouldn’t put inside your body? Sex toy reviewer Dangerous Lilly made a definitive guide about toxic sex toys.

Step 4: GET LUBE

Just do yourself a favour and get some lube. I promise, it makes sex and masturbation exponentially more pleasurable. If you plan on using penetrative toys, lube is a must to avoid injury. There are many different kinds of lube out there, but these are the hard and fast rules: silicone-based lube should never be used with silicone toys, oil-based lubes should never be used with latex condoms. Other than that, the kind of lube you use is up to you.

That’s it. You’re ready to buy your first sex toy. Now go out, get off, and resist the patriarchy!