Ask a Tart:
I Hate My Best Friend’s Boyfriend
— Julia, Tart in Residence
Welcome to the first edition of Ask a Tart, our advice column where we answer your qs in hopes of being the band-aid to your life boo-boo. Got a prob? Submit your questions to our email, thetartmagazine@gmail.com, with the subject line “Ask a Tart” or hop in the comments section.
Hi Tart,
I have a confession to make: I hate my best friend’s boyfriend. He’s not terrible; I just know she could do a lot better. She’s always catering to his interests and friends, but I don’t see him putting nearly as much effort into her. He also occasionally threatens to breakup with her and has shown other signs of manipulative behavior. I want to tell her that she deserves more, but I’m scared it will jeopardize our friendship. What should I do?
— Nervous BFF
Oh hey there Nervous BFF,
First of all, I feel you! I’ve disliked friends’ significant others, they’ve disliked mine; it almost feels like a rite of passage- the “I hate my friend’s boyfriend phase.” It’s a difficult situation to be in, but you’re doing the right thing by mulling over the best way to approach the topic.
As you know, this situation is delicate. It’s basically the emotional version of the game Operation; the key to success is to move slowly and with caution. It doesn’t sound like your friend is in imminent danger, so there’s no need to go intervention-style and create a powerpoint presentation of your grievances (although I get why that would be tempting).
The goal is to not pile on. If you say too much when she’s not ready to hear it, you risk losing her trust and ultimately her friendship. The last thing you want is for her to no longer feel comfortable sharing with you. In my high school naiveté, I told my girlfriend exactly what I thought of her bae and it didn’t end well — Laura, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry! I get it now.
So here’s what I would do — prior to to deciding what to tell her, really consider if the conversation is necessary. Are you being overprotective or is this guy really no good? Analyze why you feel the way you do. When she vents to you, are these normal frustrations? Or are there deeper issues, like manipulative, toxic behavior at play? If you just don’t like him that much, it’s probably not enough of a reason to step in.
Buttttt… my guess is that your instincts are probably right, so it’s time to move on to phase two aka Figuring Out How to Bring This Up. I can say pretty confidently that nobody wants to hear that the person they are dating sucks. If she’s super in love with him, chances are your BFF is having a love-induced brain fog (or coma, depending on how long they’ve been dating) and it can be difficult to break out of that… I’m familiar with this concept more than I’d like to admit. If she’s living with him or they’ve been together for a significant amount of time, there could be financial and emotional dependency compounding things. Take all of this into account.
Unfortunately, there really isn’t a straight-forward, one size fits all solution here (sorry to disappoint). Every relationship, both between you and your friend and between her and boyfriend, is different. My advice would be to take it slowlllyyyy. The conversation doesn’t need to happen in one sitting. When something comes up that illustrates why you think they’re a bad fit, ask what she thinks about it. Really listen to what she’s saying and point out patterns when you see them. One way to do this is to say, “I’ve noticed that X comes up a lot. How does that make you feel?” Really absorb her responses and if you notice toxic or concerning behavior, mention it. Asking her about their relationship may help bring things to light when she’s ready to hear them.
Ultimately, we can’t force our friends to do what we think is right, no matter how passionately we feel about it. All we can do is point things out when we see them, encourage them that their worthy of a positive relationship, and hold their hand along the way.
Good luck!
— Julia
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