My Funny Valentine

As Valentine’s day rolls around this year, I have zero FOMO of being in a romantic relationship. Why? Because culture has been feeding me the truth about relationships for some time now. Some of it bad, some of it good, mainly just nuanced.

The podcast that lets you eavesdrop into couple’s counselling.

The Netflix original that shows the real Marriage Story.

The Hollywood star’s acceptance speech that makes digs at the ex-wife.

The aftermath of Love Island where the Botox lasts longer than relationships.

The book that reveals the biological underpinnings of love.

The lecture that calls time on unrealistic ideals of the romantics.

The numerous polyamorous profiles on dating apps.

Put simply, culturally the veil has been lifted on what’s really going on in relationships. More truth and more honesty than ever before.

But what has led to this? We’ll explore possible whys through five Backslash cultural trends.

1. Guide us

Ambition to get our lives “right” is galvanizing an industry of life coaches, personality and DNA tests, predicted to hit $13bn by 2022.

We’re also guiding each other. Shows like Love Island highlight issues around manipulation, being heartily disapproved of on social media. Viewers and commentators being fluent in terms like “gaslighting” is a language only recently learned, thanks to this cultural shift.

Caution culture around dating itself is also prevalent: “Dating apps don’t facilitate love, just lust. For the whole of my 30s I’ve been ‘benched,’ ‘bread-crumbed,’ ‘catfished,’ ‘cuffed,’ ‘cushioned,’ ghosted’ and ‘haunted,’” writes Emily Hill.

Clarity on what it means to what “get life right” means we’re increasingly reluctant to settle or put ourselves through a dating gauntlet that doesn’t meet our needs.

2. Authenticity

Authenticity has become overmarketed. A culture of oversharing has led us to become cynical and even bored by “real.” Romantic visions of relationships have suffered at the hands of this, directly and indirectly. Take the cultural shift to Raw Motherhood. Hilariously painful, truthful accounts of what it’s like to be a Mum, in an unequal relationship, have given our generation a serious wake-up call.

Once you see the authentic side to marriage and kids, you can’t un-see it. We can no longer dream the dream the way we once did.

3. Vulva-lution

In a post-#MeToo world, the truth about women’s bodies is coming out. With a flourishing number of Femtech start-ups, vulva-championing pop culture, nonfiction that embraces female desire, social stigmas conventions around the female body are revolutionizing. Women are getting intimately educated and monitoring their sexual well-being and wants in new ways.

Women’s pleasure is taking many forms, some completely unconventional.

4. BFF

“I’ve been married twice. First one handsome, second a narcissist. Useless the two of ’em. I bought a house with my best mate, kids love it. Anyway, off to pray now, back in 15.”

Zahra’s told me all this within 15 minutes of us being acquainted. She’s my new hero. She’s also a perfect example of how friendship is the new companionship.

Tinder-style friends’ apps are booming. Record numbers are buying houses and having babies with their BFF. Modern friendship is being redefined, optimized and sanctified by technology and pop culture. Ever increasing numbers of us are now seeing staying celibate while spending more time with mates as the most desirable thing on the menu — as far as our souls are concerned.

For the first time ever, friendships are now valued to the same degree as romantic relationships.

5. Soloism

And she never tell me to exercise

We always get extra fries

And you know the sex is fire

I get flowers every Sunday

I’ma marry me one day

Cause I’m my own soul mate

Sings Lizzo. About Lizzo. God, I love Lizzo.

Meanwhile Kathryn Ryan made being a single Mum feel cool and aspirational.

Emma self-coupled.

Elderly divorce is up 100% in ten years.

Even Tinder’s latest ad campaign champions “Single does what single wants.”

Singletons are the fastest-growing households globally. Things we used to do together, like dining, travel, and work, we now do solo.

We don’t even have one night stands anymore, we have half-night stands in favor of a good night’s sleep. It’s all about solo self-care.

There’s strength and satisfaction in single. Smug face.

Conclusion

So dear reader, do these shifts in culture mean the end of lasting relationships? Were commitment-phobes right all along? Are we better off alone? The answer (and massive plot twist in this article) is no.

Dependency, counter to what culture would have you believe, is not a bad thing. At least according to the scientifically proven “dependency paradox” which goes like this:

We can act more independent by being thoroughly dependent on *someone else. Providing that *someone takes our needs into account.

It sounds counterintuitive, but literally hundreds of studies, including Mary Ainsworth’s, show this phenomenon clearly — when children feel they have a “secure base” that they can rely on, they exhibit greater independence and psychological well-being.

In a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Feeney (2007) brought romantic partners into her lab. Participants answered questions about their own responsivity toward their partners (e.g., “I am very attentive to my partner’s nonverbal signals for help and support.”). Feeney found that the more participants agreed with these types of statements, the greater independence both participants and their partners reported.

So perhaps, what we’ll see is a cultural shift toward greater understanding of what healthy and fulfilling relationships are in future. More well-rounded and well-balanced.

I’ll let you know, this time next Valentine’s.

— Michelle Gilson, Head of Strategy TBWA London