I get by with a little help from my friends

On this International Women’s Day, I have spent the week pondering what to share with our community. Should I write about the Socialist roots of Women’s Day? Should I talk about the need for white women like myself to step out of our comfort zones, if we truly believe a feminist movement rooted in solidarity is possible? Or I could profile sheroes of mine like Ayanna Pressley, whose call for lowering the voting age speaks to her longtime belief that young people are NOT the future, they are very much leading now. Or my dear friend and first time candidate Etel Haxhiaj, who leads with a fierce love unlike I have ever seen.

All of these topics are worthwhile ventures, and thankfully you can read more about each, so I decided to focus on something more simple, but indispensable in my life- the circle of women (in my case fellow mothers) that surround me, lift me up, call me out (with love), and pick up my kids when a meeting is running over. Watching America Ferrera on Busy Tonight earlier this week, I was nerdily delighted to learn that she and her fellow Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants castmates have a group chat. As a new mom, I hope the chat brings Ferrera as much joy, hope, solidarity and laughter as mine has brought me over the last five (almost six!) years.

How do you do it all?

I don’t.

Once, when our daughters were about 3, one of my mom crew and I were meeting up to make grocery shopping a little less lonely when my daughter had a complete and total diarrhea attack. She had been out of diapers for a while, and I have never had it together enough to keep an extra change of clothes in the car. Thankfully, my friend did, and as I was basically hosing my daughter down in a public bathroom sink with paper towels, my friend said, “I’m just relieved to know you’re not Superwoman.”

I’ve always been an overachiever, taking small pleasures in being the youngest to do something, or the fastest at something, or achieving something people didn’t think I could. But I’ve also always bitten off more than I can chew, dropped too many balls, and relied more heavily than I am comfortable with on last minute asks for help. So I was surprised to find that anyone thought I was Superwoman. It was a good opportunity to reflect on how I was able to accomplish as much as I do, and the honest answer is that I have a mutually supportive marriage, great family, an amazing team at work, and 5 women I can call on at the drop of a hat to do everything from childcare to a photo shoot for my campaign.

Having a community like this is more than trading favors. And our group chat is a big part of keeping the relationships strong. From “does anyone have a doctor they love right now?” to “can someone please come take my kid so I can get even the tiniest bit of work done today?” to “I love you all so much and you’re all amazing humans,” the group text is a constant in my life that helps me never feel alone. While being part of a working class women’s collective called Reflect and Strengthen (R&S yes!) for most of my twenties helped me banish the myth that “I just don’t get along with other women,” I never expected a group of 5 other moms (a word I’m still learning to get comfortable with) to be the backbone of my life. Since this is a blog post and not a book, I won’t get into our origin story or any more of the literally hundreds of stories that illustrate the way this group has made my life as a working and now campaigning mom happen, but I will share with you a couple of things that I think make our group work.

Feminist husbands

Obviously, this is pretty heteronormative, but in our current configuration, our crew is Cis women partned with men. So, this rule could definitely be “supportive partners.” For us, though, right now on International Women’s Day, it seems important to point out that we’re all lucky to not just have awesome women to lean on, but to all be in partnership with feminist men that show up as partners, dads, and generally whole, healthy humans, and that unfortunately, that is a privilege not every woman in hetero marriages has.

Shared values and not being afraid to talk about them

Sure, we don’t agree on everything, but raising kids in the era of family separation, #BlackLivesMatter, and #MeToo means being comfortable having some really tough conversations and showing up for each other and our community together. In our families, while we’ve definitely run errands for each other and picked up each others’ kids, we’ve also shared activism- asking for groceries for recently settled refugee families, or coming to community meetings about gas leaks near schools. Our kids have made protest signs together for more issues than I can count, and I am so grateful to be raising my kids in a village that believes that equity, inclusion and justice are critical family values. I will also add that in 2019, if you have a friend group that is mostly white, as ours is, and you’re not talking about race, then you should examine why and figure out how.

Showing up as our whole selves

Whether it’s anxiety, debt, bad tattoos, or unpopular opinions, making sure that your friendship is a safe space to explore the things you’re most uncomfortable sharing with the wider world has been critical for me. And be friends people can say scary things to!

Keeping each other in mind

There’s something nice about getting a text that is just a picture of something and a “this made me think of you.” But it could also be snagging that cute top at a thrift shop for a friend, or ordering two of a book you know they will also love to read to their kid. Also, if someone is not as engaged in the group as usual, finding ways outside of the usual mechanics to hold them up.

Asking how we can help/Accepting help

Don’t prescribe other people what you think they need or what you would want. This crew is awesome at making the space for us all to name our needs. And asking/offering. Also, once you’ve known people well enough/long enough, there are certainly times you can just show up at their house with dinner unannounced and take their kids to the park. Which brings us to the second half- get a crew where you feel comfortable enough letting them do your dishes while you take your first shower in three days without feeling any shame. As women, we’re often told by society that we need to BE helpers, and we don’t learn to accept help. We feel less than if we need it. But we all need it. Take it when you need it.

Parenting each others’ kids

This is critical. My kids are as quiet when they get the raised eyebrow from any of the moms in our crew as they are from mine. Early on in our friendship, one of the other moms said “oh, always feel free to parent my child” and we all concurred. That definitely means you’re in a group with enough shared values to not be concerned about lines anyone might cross or ways they discipline, but for us that’s there. So if one of the other moms tells my daughter to take a break and go for a walk with her, I’m not interrupting. And I’m grateful to be off the hook in that moment. Likewise, if one of their moms is on a call and they NEED her right then, I have no problem telling them that they just have to wait, and maybe there’s something I can help with.

All of the moms I know are complete and total badasses. I’m so lucky to have this crew, their families, and a broader community of incredible women around us. I literally cannot imagine what kind of isolated hellscape my life would be without them. Happy International Women’s Day to the women that make my life possible!