When Dress Code Violations Turn to Student Shaming

I write this as a dad thinking about what will happen if my daughter someday breaks dress code. I’d like to think that I can avoid it, but I know that parents don’t always have control over their teenager’s wardrobe choices. If it ever happens, I want teachers treating it as a policy violation rather than an issue of values, sexuality or identity.

A girl walks down the hallway with a polo shirt that is “too tight” and jeans that are “too skinny.” A teacher pulls her aside and gives her “the talk.” It’s not simply a write-up. It’s a conversation about self-respect and dignity and dressing classy. It’s a conversation about “the wrong kind of attention” and “being safe.”

The girl leaves in tears. I watch her turn to her friend and say, “I’m not dressed like a slut, am I?”

“No.”

“I just want to look pretty.”

Later that day, in the same hallway, the same teacher pulls aside a boy for wearing jeans that are too baggy. She hands him a lunch detention slip and tells him, “Come on, you know better. You can dress like that on your own time, but not here at school.”

He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t ask questions about the “wrong kind of attention.” He doesn’t internalize an identity of being “that guy.” Instead, he serves his lunch detention.

The Double Standard

As a man, I’m not going to pretend to understand the dynamics between gender and clothing and the social structures that exist. But I do want to point out a few things:

1. Standards of “decency” are largely cultural. I have some students who wear long dresses for religious reasons. I have one student who wears the hijab. Both come from a background where they might view teacher dress as indecent. Where do we draw the line? Whose values do we use? How do we respond when someone defines “decency” differently?
2. In my district, I often see scary statements offered by teachers who are trying to help. “Don’t dress that way or you won’t be safe” is a classic case of victim-blaming. It perpetuates the myth that violence against women is a clothing issue rather than an imbalance of power.
3. Shaming girls for their dress code decisions is not just embarrassing. It’s a shot at their identity. It’s an implied message that who they are is wrong because they happened to have a spaghetti strap.

What’s interesting is that boys are almost entirely immune to this. When they violate dress code, it is almost never an attack on their identity. It’s almost always treated as a policy issue rather than a moment of shame.