How Imposter Syndrome Affected My Post-Graduation Process

“You do not just wake up and become the butterfly. Growth is a process.”

I remember the first day of primary school as a vivid memory: strange and scary but warm. That’s exactly what I felt on the way home from my graduation ceremony at university. My fancy dress, wavy hair, my sweaty make-up. When I looked in the mirror I asked, “What is next?” One of the questions I ask myself frequently. Take it as a confession.

So confused that I didn’t know what to do, or what to choose. Since one and a half years passed with the pandemic, I did not think much about the future. The uncertainty of the pandemic made me exhausted and I did not want to think about it. After my graduation, the feeling of inadequacy became a part of me. I was not successful enough and I was the only one feeling it (You gotta be kidding me !).

Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a phony in some area of your life, despite any success that you have achieved in that area. Sounds familiar, right?

The problem with impostor syndrome is that the experience of doing well at something does nothing to change your beliefs. The thought still nagged in my head, “What gives me the right to be here?” Even though I graduated with a high honor degree, I could not internalize my experiences of success.

When I look at my back, not that bad at all. Within a year, translated two books from English to Turkish, started my master’s degree, and worked as a content writer in various fields. But while doing all this, I always saw myself as inadequate. I forgot that development is a process and tried to see myself at the top.

Trying to catch up with everything sometimes ends up catching up with nothing. You have to be careful when you tier the stones on the beach. Tiering the stones without examining them will cause them to collapse. I did it imprecisely so I could not get the balance. But I got psychological and social support and I listened my inner voice a lot. Now my effort is to be “the best for myself” instead of being “the best”. Eventually, I pay more attention to the shapes and sizes of the stones :).

It may seem like a simple metaphor, but I remind myself in my rough passages that coming out of the pupa and flying like a butterfly are both processes.

Keep the balance!