Conquering My Soul Crushing Schedule
Trigger Warning: Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Suicidal Ideation
Time Away From Keyboard (AFK)
My memory is so affected by my mental illnesses that I immediately forget things if I don’t write them down. Without my journal and calendar I couldn’t tell you what I did yesterday or what I have to do tomorrow. Sometimes I’ll suggest something to watch or bring up an interesting article only to have my partner inform me that he told me about that exact thing last week or we had watched that movie together a month ago.
However, I can tell you that I have weekly therapy appointments (sometimes two), another weekly group therapy session, psychiatry every few weeks, on-site medical treatment every month or so, and depending on the time of year and other factors, physical therapy twice a week.
Before adding travel time, therapy and psychiatry are one hour, group therapy is two hours, physical therapy is two hours, and a medical treatment takes an entire day. These are things that happen during business hours, requiring an awful lot of time spent AFK.
Because of the volume of predetermined and scheduled time away from work, I have immense guilt around taking any unexpected time for myself, even for my health. How do I fit in other things that occur during work hours? How do I get hair cuts or see the dentist or see a doctor when I’m physically ill? I could work extra early or late on those days to make up the time, if only I didn’t have extreme fatigue that limits the productive window of my waking hours.
In order to manage energy effectively and minimize the internalized guilt of being unproductive, communication is key.
Cultivating Self Compassion
Ask for explicit feedback and agree on expectations
My anxiety endlessly tells me I’ve done things wrong.
“Your team is burdened by your time away. They resent you for it.”
“Your team notices how long each task takes you. You are incompetent and lazy.”
“You are selfishly taking advantage of those who are kind and understanding of you.”
I do my best to talk back to these thoughts, but they often get the best of me. Counteracting them often requires outside help.
I am honest with my manager and those who work closest with me. In return, I ask them for similar honesty. “I need you to tell me when my time away becomes a problem,” I say, “and until then I will use your silence as a signal that I have nothing to agonize over.” Without this external input, my anxiety will loop its hurtful messages indefinitely.
Adjust expectations in real time and provide context
Some days I wake up and already know that nothing will be accomplished. I have nightmares most nights, and often wake feeling as if I hadn’t slept at all. Sometimes insomnia pushes through and ensures a restless night despite my sleep medications. Some days I encounter too many triggers through reminders of past trauma and demoralizing news cycles for me to ignore my PTSD symptoms, and I notice my concentration dwindle to nearly nothing.
On days like this, I inform my coworkers that work is not getting done. I try to let them know as soon as I notice. I clearly state that I need time away from my computer and usually a semi-specific reason why. Reasons range from “I’m having a rough day” to “I didn’t sleep last night.” But I often mean things that are more difficult to say, like “I can’t stop crying” or “I’m having a panic attack” or “I started thinking seriously about suicide again last night and it’s taking every last ounce of my energy to fend those thoughts off.” At any rate, my team understands that I am emotionally and mentally drained and that my work is suffering.
I’ve found that my coworkers are overwhelmingly supportive of days like this. They inevitably meet my sheepish admission of defeat with empathy and encourage me to take care of myself.
Allow for flexibility
When I notice my productivity slipping away from me, there are a few ways I can react:
- Push through and work on the task at hand.
(Spoiler: this is almost never the right response.) - Change things up and try a different type of task.
* Adding a large feature including tests? Try working on a smaller feature or bug fix.
* Writing documentation? Review someone’s code instead.
* On a call? Ring in on your phone and go for a walk. - Ask for help.
* “Can we pair on this?”
* “Have time to rubber duck?”
* “Do you have time for [virtual] coffee right now? I could use someone to talk to.” - Pair the current task with something that replenishes energy or minimizes my symptoms.
* In a meeting? I’ll be cross stitching so I can pay attention.
* Writing tests/code? I’ll put some energizing music on.
* Heart racing? Time to light some incense and make some tea. - Leave the desk and choose to practice self care instead. Reschedule meetings and unplug.
Nine times out of ten, the last option is the best one. Sometimes an hour or two of napping or watching TV is enough to kickstart my productivity. Sometimes I need the rest of the day.
You may think that these types of daily adjustments aren’t afforded to you. If so, I urge you to reconsider that judgement. Giving yourself permission to take the time and space to take care of your wellbeing is important and difficult. I give you permission if that helps.
For Managers and Coworkers
Your empathy and compassion can go a long way to alleviate the kind of guilt I experience. I know the logistical impact of missing time at work due to illness. I guarantee that any employee is more aware of their potential burden than you are. Take the time to reassure them and explicitly grant permission to do whatever it takes to get themselves healthy. My coworkers do this and goodness it helps so much.
Look for ways you can explicitly help. Offer time to pair on a task. If you’re a manager, offer a variety of task types so your report can pick and choose what will replenish their energy that day. My manager flags smaller tasks for me in case I need to switch gears and feel the gratification from completing something.
Recognize and anticipate daily struggles. Is a task taking someone longer than it normally would? Don’t assume they’re uncommitted or bad at their job; ask them how they are really doing. Suggest they take time off.
Be their advocate. You have the opportunity to make things significantly easier for them. Replace their worried thoughts with concrete words of kindness. If anyone takes issue with their accommodations, stand up for them.
Read up on Spoon Theory, a useful framework for explaining the daily impacts of chronic illness to those who don’t experience it.
I hope this list has been informative and helpful for someone out there. Please continue the conversation. How do you deal with AFK guilt? How have others helped you?
Read Next: Asking for Accommodations with an Invisible Disability
Madalyn Parker is a frontend web developer at HashiCorp. She has spoken on the topic of mental health at work at several conferences and has written a few blog posts here on Medium. Find her on Twitter as @madalynrose.
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