Are You Connecting The Dots, Or Merely Counting Them?
How Listening & Curiosity Can Deepen Relationships
There’s all types of hidden messages surrounding us.
Some of them are direct, most are vague. Much of what we “hear” we chose to hear. We’re very much in control of the stories we listen to and the stories that we tell ourselves.
Pamella Slim, author of Body Of Work: Finding The Thread That Ties Your Story Together says it best,
“The quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your stories. You must craft them well.”
What is someone really asking when they say, “So tell me about yourself?”
Maybe they’re really asking…Why did you take that year off?, How’d you get here?, Can you tell me more about your volunteer work?
I want to riff on what it means to listen, what it means to lead with curiosity and the intersection of these two ideas. Let’s dive in.
Lead With Curiosity And Explore People’s Stories
I was inspired to talk about listening because I’m currently reading Thanks For The Feedback: The Science And Art Of Receiving Feedback Well.
Additionally, the week before Christmas I spoke with a woman who had 20+ years of recruiting experience. She gave me such valuable advice.
Im talking advice that took her decades to accumulate. She shared it with me freely! But why? Why did she give me this gift?
Simple: I ASKED!
Us humans learn through story telling. So when we’re asked to share our life story, we can’t resist. No one knows our story better than us.
Quick Tip: Be sure to follow Nancy Duarte’s work if you really want to geek out and dive deeper into what it means to be a great story teller.
But back to the gift I received.
When I asked this woman about her story, we dove into how she originally started in recruiting, what personal projects she was working on and how she had grown to love her job over the years.
Want to form deeper bonds? Consider these two types of questions
- What motivated you to?… {insert thing they did}
- Question why people have switched careers or geography in their life
As you begin to adopt a posture of curiosity, people feel more open to share. The most important part is to listen and ask why/how.
Seriously, lean in. People feel heard when you take interest in their journey, their struggle, their uniqueness.
When Was The Last Time You Genuinely Did Someone a Favor?
Recently I went to get my haircut. Great local spot called A Little Off The Top on MacArthur Blvd in Oakland.
That book was Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles , to be more specific.
My barber gave the book back to me, but explained that he had glanced at a few of the pages and found it interesting.
I realized that in this moment I had an opportunity to give a gift. The gift of knowledge. So I gave my barber the book. I had read much of the book and got the gist of it’s message.
So with no expectation of receiving anything back, I gave him the book and extended an authentic gesture that said,
I think you’d enjoy this. I value you. Don’t sweat it.
So often I hear people going through their lives ONLY ASKING. Only thinking about themselves and not how they might add value to others.
Is your company hiring? Would you give me a referral?
NEWSFLASH: Asking for referrals without building any kind of rapport is like walking into a random restaurant and asking for a stranger’s food.
MOST people resort to asking for referrals with the quickness. It’s ridiculous, but it’s done all the time! Meanwhile, all I hear is, “ME ME ME ME”
Haven’t you felt that way before? When you can just tell someone wants a favor from you but isn’t truly interested in YOU?
What would happen if we were more generous and more intentional?
How about ….How might I add value to…
This conversation, This company, This Interaction, This community, This text message, THIS DAY!
When I meet people I’m always listening for how I can add value. A lot of times it’s simply sharing a blog post that they might enjoy. Or forwarding them a MeetUp/Event they’d appreciate.
The most intriguing part about this is that adding value has a compound effect. The little nuggets of value you deliver have an exponential return on investment.
Make this a habit and you’ll have people checking in regularly just to see if they can return the favor for all the value you’ve added to their lives!
While You’re Doing All This, Don’t Forget To Hustle!
I love sharing my 2 cents with the world and having deep intellectual conversations about Education, Technology, and even Psychology.
Maybe it’s the East Coast in me. But I love the hustle of connecting with people. I’m ALWAYS connecting in some shape or form on a daily basis.
Once you’ve adopted a posture of generosity and listening, it’s time to EXPAND. Speak to and connect with as many people as you physically and mentally can withstand.
Why? Not only does Your Network = Your Net Worth, but you’ll learn so much about yourself simply by listening to the stories of others.
You’ll gain deeper empathy and perspectives for different cultures that you could never gain by only reading a book or googling something.
Talk to as many people as possible, and do as many side projects that you can afford to do for free. Think about how this could impact your world.
Just imagine if you made 100 first impressions in the next 90 days? What would that do for your career? Your business? Could it be transformative?
My brother from another Daniel Adeyanju has a great framework for thinking about this:
-Always Be Connecting (by adding value)
-Always Be Building (solutions that matter)
-Always Be Learning (because knowledge is power’s prerequisite)
He’s a stand up gentleman and is always looking to mentor and give back to others. Be sure to connect with him especially if you’re a person of color navigating the tech industry.
Connect with him on Twitter & Medium. Tell em’ I sent you.
By now I’m sure you catch my drift. Human connection is everything.
Despite the speed at which technology moves, whether it’s fluctuations in Bitcoin or the threat of an AI “I-Robot” like takeover, human relationships will always be the most valuable asset for our species!
If you made it this far in the post you might be the type of person that creates change. Give this post hella 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽‘s and share it with someone you know might benefit.
Until next time. Embrace The Hustle & Remain Humble.
