Extraordinary Friendships
Are you an everyday person with an extraordinary friendship?
Twenty years ago my late wife and I were on vacation along the coast of Northern California having breakfast in a quaint restaurant filled with Betty Boop memorabilia. Three old women — they must have been in their mid-eighties — two white, one Black, were engaged in a lively conversation a couple of tables away from us. It seemed clear to me that they had been friends for a long time.
It set me to wondering about long-term friendships, say 20 years or more, that bridged stereotypical differences. I even started work on a book project of interviews and portraits of people with those kind of friendships. You know the divides I’m talking about: color, social status, politics, religion, physical characteristics, disability, wealth, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, etc., etc.
I completed a few interviews and portraits to get the project going. An early and fascinating commonality I discovered was that none of them thought of their friendship as being extraordinary. I started traveling the country to make the portraits and interviews.
Then my wife was diagnosed with ALS. Naturally, I dropped the project to focus on her care.
It’s been 20 years and now I’m approaching 80. And I want to finish the project. I suspect there are a lot more folks out there with those bridging friendships.
But I’m not a good role model
I think the project is more important now than ever. We need more examples not only of the friendships themselves, but how they started and have been maintained. However, I’m not the best role model for maintaining those long-term relationships. No, I’ve moved around too much as a kid and an adult. I have only a handful of 20+ year friendships. None of them cross the divides above any more.
Many buck the trend
The tribalism and siloing that appears so rampant today, especially in social and commercial media, creates echo chambers in which too many people only hear views that confirm their opinions. Yet I also know there are many, many people throughout the country that have long-term friendships that bridge the gaps and celebrate their differences.
I’m an introvert though. I need an excuse, like work or a shared interest, to bring me into contact with others, particularly BIPOC folks. I know. It’s a luxury afforded me by my white privilege. It’s also a liability that limits my direct understanding of other’s life experiences even though I’ve worked in “race” relations. Then and now, I despise the artificiality of the term “race;” a term created to divide humanity into meaningless categories with no basis in biology.
Lapses and Losses
I had friendships that crossed stereotypical boundaries in my careers in education, “race” relations, and business. We shared common interests, causes, and aspirations. We discovered and respected each other’s life experiences and attitudes toward life. Those friends enriched my life. But as my professional endeavors and physical locations changed every five to ten years, we drifted apart.
I recall the arguments a very conservative friend of mine and I had many years ago. One time we were arguing so vehemently that his wife stepped in, worried that the argument was getting out of hand. He and I stopped and burst out laughing. We knew the confrontation between us was rooted in mutual respect, not animosity. He died a long time ago. I still miss those arguments.
Maintaining gap-bridging friendships
I wonder how folks maintain their gap-bridging friendships in today’s social and political climate. What keeps a friendship like that going in an environment that seems hell bent on shattering it?
So I’ve got 10 questions — prompts if you will — to consider responding to:
1. Do you have one or more long-term friendships that bridge the divides I mentioned above?
2. How did they start?
3. What kept them going?
4. What stresses happened over the course of the years? How were they managed?
5. Were there topics that were “off limits,” or simply never discussed for whatever reason?
6. What did you learn about life or yourself in this friendship that you didn’t get elsewhere?
7. How did/do you handle differences of opinion and life experience?
8. How do you maintain the relationship if you move away from one another or if there’s a major life change?
9. Have you had any falling out only to reconnect at a later time?
10. What made the reconnection possible?
In short, what words of wisdom might you have that may encourage others to create and maintain friendships like yours?
I’d love to read your responses, either here or in my Medium publication, “Those Old White Folks.” And no, you don’t have to be “old” to respond. And if you’re interested in participating in the project, email me. Who knows, you, or someone you know, might be included in the project.
