Finding Peace in Unhealthy Relationships
You did your best, but it simply isn’t working.
How do you find peace?
We often find ourselves in very unsettling situations. We cannot wrap our heads around the way people think or behave.
Often it is because we wouldn’t, under any circumstances, do what they have done. It would never cross our minds, therefore, we are flabbergasted when someone behaves so outlandish.
First off, we may not fully understand their circumstances. Often, they have been through a traumatic experience that altered their rationale. They may have been raised in a home that was conducive to such odd behavior. They learned from what they saw and experienced. Through no fault of their own, they picked up thought patterns and behaviors from those in their environment. Based on the trauma of their past, it may even be a survival tactic.
Once, after explaining to a friend something my ex-husband did, I said. “Why the hell would he do that? I don’t understand what he was thinking.”
His response was perfection.
He said, “If you understood what he was thinking, then we would have to worry about you.”
It was so true. If I understood his reasoning, then it would only mean that I had the same reasoning. I was quite thankful I did not.
Since I was a kid, I can remember always putting myself in someone else’s shoes to understand them. I seemed to always get to the root of their problem with a little analysis. I suppose being empathetic allowed me to be more compassionate,
But I have come to a stage in my life where I have witnessed behaviors that make no sense to me. Well, ok, I take that back. I get it. I know deep down there is a huge fear that haunts them. And maybe that is what I don’t always know. What exactly is their fear?
Most people will never tell you their fears.
I know for sure that there is a huge fear of abandonment running rampant in our society, and I am sure part of that is because of the high divorce rate. But what about parents that stayed together for all the wrong reasons? Their fear of divorce outweighed their fear of staying. Either way, fear was the bellowing emotion.
The children sensed the tension. You do them no service if you stay in a household where fear and anger linger over everyone's heads.
Many people became paralyzed when in a fearful situation. They don’t know what to do, so they do nothing.
When children are abandoned in some capacity, it will haunt them. It can even be an emotional abandonment. There was no one to turn to in their time of need.
Unfortunately, what happens with many of these children when they become adults is they become very manipulative.
In their relationships, they are not concerned about the other's well-being. Another person’s happiness does not matter. If the other is happy, they may discover they don’t need them. Therefore, keeping them down is their goal. They will break the other to the point where they are afraid to leave or feel tremendously guilty for doing so. That is why they may continuously tell someone how much they need them.
Another method is to keep you away from friends and family members. It is possible that they badmouth you to others. They fabricate or twist the truth to make them look like the good guy. They will cause division, so you ultimately feel alone.
They pretend they care and they are all you truly have. What would you possibly do without them? They enforce the notion you are incapable of standing on your own two feet.
These are some of the most common behaviors. They may be called narcissists, but that diagnosis is vague. Besides, it does no good to give people a label. What matters is where these behaviors stem from and what we can do to navigate the storm, so we ourselves do not end up damaged.
If you are stuck in this situation, how do you obtain peace?
- You first go within. Nothing is more important than having peace within. Quiet the mind, go into silence. Your spirit has something it wants to tell you.
- Breathe through the disturbances in your mind. Understand they are not your own.
- Think about something in your past that showed your strength. Remember how good it felt when you overcame a situation, no matter how small it was. This will reinstall your power.
- Know you deserve better. Know that The Creator has something much bigger for you, and you are not here to save anyone.
- Know that no matter what you do, you cannot “fix them”. They have to want to change and make a serious effort, not just talk about it.
- Accept them for who they are. Have compassion.
- Forgive. Forgiveness is for your inner peace. Don’t wait for an apology.
- And most importantly, LEAVE before it is too late.
No relationship is worth your peace.
Are there consequences you may have to face by making that decision? Heck yeah, they won’t make it easy. They may even attempt to punish you somehow. It is a horrible reality that women have died trying to leave.
If this is your situation, please seek help and shelter before doing so. Have a plan and keep it to yourself. Don’t threaten to leave. That just gives them time to sabotage it.
I didn’t mean to make this so serious, but as I type, I realize this is a problem that reaches outside the realms of many who are simply in an unhealthy relationship, but it should not dismiss those who are being abused with no physical evidence.
Living outside of peace is damaging to the psyche, the spirit, and the inner presence of your true self-worth.
Your peace is worth everything. Without it, you will never be truly happy. God wants you happy!
Thea Williams Scalco, Ba Msc., C.H.- lover of all things magical.
