Just saying “Sorry” is worse than not apologizing

Apology is complex and involves at least three separate processes

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We all know how hard it is to apologize for the bouquet we gave to water. Because in most cases, a half-hearted apology does not cure much pain and may even make things worse. Therefore, we should know the meaning of correct apology and learn the art of expressing regret. What is a responsible and compassionate apology and what are its characteristics?

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

This is probably how William Carlos William apologized to his wife Flossie in his 1934 poem “This Is Just To Say”. My apologies are not so elegant and certainly not worth printing. Of course, in my defense, I must say that by publishing my apologies, I am not killing two birds with one stone, and I am not telling my wife in front of so many people that although I behaved recklessly and wrongly for the millionth time, it was worth it.

However, apologizing is difficult. For this we need personal strength, a listening ear, and psychological skills; This is why many apologies fail. If there is something you need to apologize for — or if you want to know how to solve it the next time you throw a bouquet in the water — here are the basics of the art and science of expressing regret:

From a neurological perspective, apologizing is very complex and involves at least three separate processes. The first is cognitive control because you choose to apologize, however painful it may be. Here the lateral prefrontal cortex of the brain is involved. The second is perspective-taking 1, that is, to think about how our words or actions make others feel, and to put ourselves in another place. In this process, the temporal lobe connection of the brain is involved. The last process is social valuation. You estimate how much your apology will hurt others, not just yourself. This process involves the medial prefrontal cortex.

To apologize sincerely, one must be somewhat open and take risks. Researchers have concluded that partners — including romantic, personal, and work partners — will willingly apologize to each other in three situations: in long-term relationships; between partners who are compatible and trust each other a lot; And at the beginning of the relationship, when it is very important to solve the problems so that the new relationship does not break. Scientists have shown that people who suffer from openness — an avoidant attachment trait — apologize less and worse than others. The last one can be helpful for those new to a relationship: one surefire way to spot avoidant people is that they can’t apologize.

An apology may be entirely out of remorse. However, according to evolutionary psychologists, many apologies are intended to prevent the injured person from seeking revenge or retribution. For example, in 2011, a study was conducted that examined the consequences of doctors apologizing to injured patients. Doctors are generally advised never to apologize, as this may legally be considered an admission of wrongdoing. To combat this problem, some states have introduced laws that, in court, do not treat an apology as an admission of wrongdoing. Estimates show that if more doctors could apologize to patients, these states would likely pay lower medical malpractice fines and settle more quickly in cases of severe harm.

The way you apologize has a great impact on its acceptance. First of all, the apology must be detailed. Making excuses is worse than doing nothing at all. In an experiment, subjects were asked to imagine themselves as a pedestrian who crashed into a cyclist (the cyclist was at fault) and to estimate the amount of the fine. 52% said they would definitely or probably accept the offer if no apology was given. If the cyclist gave a half-hearted apology, for example, only sympathizing and not taking responsibility, the likelihood of acceptance dropped to 35 percent. But with a complete apology (sympathy and responsibility), this amount increased to 75%.

Other similar experiments show that acceptance of responsibility is the most important component of a valid apology. Next, it is important to try to compensate and then provide an explanation. All three mentioned components are more effective than abstract solutions such as expressing regret expressing remorse and asking for forgiveness.

These findings may surprise some people. But don’t be surprised. Think of the least effective apology you’ve ever received from someone who has hurt you so many times. It probably consists of the same components. For example, consider this apology: “I am very, very sorry that I drank so much in Las Vegas and lost everything. I will change this time! I do! Please give me another chance!” Do you understand what I mean?

Now that you’re armed with this information, you’re ready to apologize in a way that’s most likely to fix the problem you caused. Be sure to remember these three important principles:

1) Apologizing costs less and benefits more than you think. In 2014, researchers found that when people apologize, they sometimes make errors in prediction. For example, people think that if they admit their mistake, they will look weak and untrustworthy and will lose their reputation. They may think that the other person will forgive them, but they don’t think much about how much admiration they can gain from admitting a mistake. Research shows that we often overestimate the cost of an apology and underestimate its benefits.

Of course, there are always people for whom admitting mistakes and weaknesses is not admirable. But such people are usually terrible romantic partners, bad business partners, and toxic social media users — you shouldn’t be seeking approval from them in the first place.

2) Accept full responsibility for your work. Think of all the forced apologies we hear from politicians and celebrities. They usually apologize like this: “I apologize if my words hurt or upset someone.” This is a half-hearted apology and shows forced sympathy and irresponsibility. When you hurt someone, don’t say “I’m sorry if you hurt”; Instead, say “I know I upset you and I’m sorry for that.”

A good way to do this, especially in a professional environment, is what researchers call “self-inflicted” acceptance of managers. For example, suppose a CEO suffers a crisis in public relations that he did not directly cause. In that case, he should still take responsibility and say “I am the manager, so this mistake is my mistake and I am responsible for solving it.” The researchers found that this type of apology led to increased business success and manifested itself in an increase in the company’s stock value the following year, perhaps because it increased confidence in the manager’s problem-solving ability.

3) View regret as a personal growth exercise. One of the biggest — and most paradoxical — blocks to apologizing is that we think people, including ourselves, can’t change. Perhaps what psychologists call “theory of nature” means that we do not see difficult and unpleasant situations as opportunities for growth. On the other hand, supporters of “incremental theory” believe that human characteristics are changeable and therefore seek to improve themselves by admitting mistakes and expressing regret. So think like incremental theorists and use apologies as a way to increase individual courage and virtue.

What would you like to happen if all goes well after you apologize? You probably want to start over and get back to normal. Here we go back to William Carlos Williams who ate those precious plums. Did his apology work?

Flosi wrote a short note in response, which Williams turned into another poem (in fact, this poem was published in the same magazine in 1982, after they both died).

Dear Bill: I’ve made a
couple of sandwiches for you.
In the ice-box you’ll find
blue-berries — a cup of grapefruit
a glass of cold coffee.

On the stove is the tea-pot
with enough tea leaves
for you to make tea if you
prefer — Just light the gas —
boil the water and put it in the tea

Plenty of bread in the bread-box
and butter and eggs —
I didn’t know just what to
make for you. Several people
called up about office hours —

See you later. Love. Floss.