Listening — The best gift you can give your team
I’ve read two books in the last year or two that have really encouraged me as a father, husband and human being. The first is The Lost Art of Listening and the second is No Drama Discipline. Neither are particularly ‘work related’, but both have persuaded me that everyone has a fundamental need that can only be met by the others.
The need to be listened to.
To know that what you think is important.
To know that your opinion matters.
As leaders in businesses we need to understand this need and take it seriously if we want our teams to operate at peak performance.
We know that motivation and engagement are not something we can really control — all we can really do is create environments that allow it to flourish. We can’t, for example, improve motivation and engagement by rewarding it financially. Dan Pink (amongst others) has written extensively on this and the science is really interesting.
In the RSA video, they conclude that the three components to motivation are:
- Self-determination. The freedom to direct and control our own work.
- Mastery. The opportunity to become world-class in a skill.
- Purpose. Being part of a company that is making a positive-difference to the world.
So how does listening contribute to building an environment that allows employees to determine their future, master a skill and contribute to a greater purpose?
The benefits of listening
In ‘The Lost Art of Listening’, Nichols describes how being listened to helps develop our sense of self — our identity as a person ie that we have intrinsic value, that we matter, that we have something to offer. This development happens most crucially during early childhood (check out Why Love Matters for a great technical deep-dive), but our identities are not fixed in childhood — they continue to be shaped as adults. So our listening as leaders can play a significant role in helping our team mates develop their sense of who they are.
The logic goes like this:
When I listen to you I am saying that what you have to say matters and is worth paying attention to. I don’t interrupt you or try and win you over to my point of view — I just want to understand what you think. What you have to say matters because your opinions, thoughts and feelings matter and they matter because you matter.
When we listen deeply to someone we reinforce that they are a valuable person with an important contribution to make.
So what does this mean in a team context in the workplace?
To put it simply, we want teams of people who are confident in their own self worth and so know that they can help the team perform by bringing their opinions, view points and talents to the table.
People with a well formed sense of self do not look so much to their own accomplishments as much as they look to serve others. They are humble and check their egos at the door which means they are more able to hear and evaluate the merits of other’s ideas.
If as leaders we deliberately develop our abilities to listen we will not only reinforce the sense of self in our colleagues, we will also help bring forth the very best of our teams.
Objections to listening
In a fast paced environment it can be easy to think that spending time on listening to colleagues will take too much time and ultimately may make decisions harder. There are plenty of objections and questions you may come across:
What if after listening to my team I need to make a decision they disagree with?
Will I appear weak and indecisive if I’m always asking for the team’s input?
What do I do if I’ve been given a job by ‘the higher ups’ and I just need the team to get on and do it?
What do I do if by seeking input I create conflict in the team because everyone has different opinions?
Will my team members think it odd if I suddenly start asking them questions and try to listen to them? Will this come across as insincere?
All these concerns are legitimate and valid and we’ll all ask these questions at some point. Leadership goes through seasons and as your team experiences new challenges some of these questions will come into sharp focus.
How to listen
So how do we go about being a good listener? It’s important to note here that the most important thing is our attitude — learning a bunch of listening techniques lacks integrity (and borders on manipulation) if your attitude doesn’t match up. We need to be leaders who want to listen because we genuinely believe in the value of our team mates and therefore in the value of their ideas and contributions.
Let’s start with what good listening does not include:
- Thinking about what we’re going to say next whilst they’re still talking
- Deciding if we agree with them whilst they’re still talking
- Staring off into the distance, folding our arms or any other body language that suggests a lack of interest or being defensive
- Cutting them off whilst they’re still talking
A good listener will:
- Pay genuine attention to the speaker and concentrate on understanding what they’re saying
- Empty their mind of everything other than what the other person is saying
- Have an interested, positive body posture eg leaning gently towards them, maintaining eye contact most of the time (don’t stare them down!)
- Show you’re listening by nodding, murmuring assent etc (make sure it’s natural)
- Once they’ve finished speaking, ask follow up questions that clarify your understanding of what they’ve just said or to get some more information
Once you’ve done this, you may want to respond with your opinion.
Or you may not.
Maybe your role is to guide them to their own conclusions by listening and asking questions. Perhaps you can help them see an aspect of the problem that they’re not currently aware of.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing what you think so long as it’s done respectfully and not in a manner to quash their thinking or ideas.
Don’t be afraid to take a moment to formulate your thoughts before responding — this shows you’re taking the conversation seriously. If we’re not thinking up our reply whilst they’re still talking, there will be gaps after they’ve spoken where we consider what to say next. This should be a natural way of conversing — it doesn’t need to be a constant barrage of sound.
If you’re interested in further developing your listening and questioning skills, I’d recommend looking at the discipline of coaching. I’ve found the following helpful:
What about those objections?
Let’s come back to some of the objections we raised earlier.
What if after listening to my team I need to make a decision they disagree with?
This may well happen and leaders need courage to make decisions that can be unpopular. If however, you’ve taken the time to have an open and honest discussion with your team and they know they have been genuinely listened to, they are much more likely to accept your decision.
If some don’t accept your decision, you may need to make some additional time and space available to them to talk it through. This doesn’t mean your decision has to change.
Will I appear weak and indecisive if I’m always asking for the team’s input?
There’s a big difference between saying to your team ‘I don’t know what to do’ and saying ‘Team, we have this challenge and I want everyone’s input on the best way we can tackle it’. The first is worrying but the second gets people excited. It’s important to put some structure around it to make sure the discussion ends somewhere constructive — so make sure you’re prepared to wrap it up and make a decision as to the way forward.
What do I do if I’ve been given a job by ‘the higher ups’ and I just need the team to get on and do it?
This is one of the most stressful aspects of being a team lead because you are simultaneously part of the team’s world as well as part of the broader context of the organisation. This can create a lot of anxiety which is normal and every leader experiences it. It’s important to acknowledge this stress (not to your team) and find ways to explore it — perhaps with peer colleagues who can help you reflect on it.
Having said that, you can still give your team the space to discuss the relative merits of what is being proposed. Don’t be afraid of any negative feelings they air (this will be cathartic for them, if tough for you!) and ask them to identify what positives there are in the situation and what the next steps are.
What do I do if by seeking input I create conflict in the team because everyone has different opinions?
Patrick Lencioni in 5 Dysfunctions of a Team says that trust and constructive conflict are the foundations of a successful team. We need to be encouraging frank and honest discussions and creating a safe environment for them. By doing so we will create teams that are able to critically assess the challenges they’re facing and galvanise around whatever way forward is committed to by the team. If the team has had a significant say in determining the action to be taken, this will result in significantly more commitment than if they are told what to do.
Will my team members think it odd if I suddenly start asking them questions and try to listen to them? Will this come across as insincere?
It may be prudent to step gently in to this if up till now you’ve taken a more directive approach with your team. If you are genuinely sincere about wanting to organise your team around the challenges you face and to listen deeply to their contributions then your team will ‘smell it’ as genuine. Equally, if you are insincere then you will not be able to hide it. So get your attitude right and you’ll be fine!
Wrapping up
Hopefully we can all recall times when we’ve been deeply listened to by a leader or manager and how this felt. Equally we can almost certainly recall times where we’ve been ignored or not taken seriously. Both kinds of exchanges can leave their mark, and without being too dramatic about it, alter the course of a person’s career.
Let’s be leaders who get a hold of the opportunities we have to bring out the intrinsic value in each of our team mates and help them contribute all they have to the challenges that face us.
