Uber Rolls Out New “Grope-on-Demand” Service

SAN FRANCISCO — Ride-on-demand service Uber announced that it is now offering a brand new Grope-On-Demand service. Users can submit a request to be groped through the free smart-phone app (on both iPhone and Android devices), and within minutes an Uber-certified groper will meet you wherever you are. Just tap a button and get an affordable, quality groping — anywhere, anytime.

“Getting groped through traditional means is unpredictable” says Susan Abernathy of San Francisco. “You could stand on a street for hours before a groper would come along. Or you’d walk several blocks to stand in an area with high groper traffic. And even then, they might already be groping someone. Sometimes you’d give up and just take public transportation to get groped. But Uber-Grope means I can be sexually harassed at a time and place convenient for me.”

Uber promises all genders and sexual orientations will be served through Uber-Grope. “We strongly believe in gender equality and fully support the LGBTQ community” says Theodore Manheim, product manager for Uber-Grope. “Using the Uber-Grope app, you can select the gender-identity and sexual orientation of your groper. We want everyone to have a safe, high-quality groping experience.”

Brooklyn resident Leslie Partridge was thrilled with the convenience and quality of her recent groping. “I was heading home after a girls night out — it was late, and I knew flagging down a grope in that neighborhood would be difficult. Brendon arrived within minutes of my grope request. He firmly grabbed my ass, called me ‘sugar cheeks’, and went on his way. Thoroughly degrading — 5 stars!”

Uber-Grope will offer the same range of services as its ride-sharing program. GropeX offers a convenient, affordable groping for those on a budget, and GropeXL for groups that need groping and don’t mind sharing a groper. For the more discerning customer, Uber premium offers GropeLUX (a professionally-screened groper in formal-wear) and GropeSUV (for those who wish to be groped in remote difficult-to-reach areas).

Uber is currently looking for qualified gropers who are interested in making extra money. “Uber-Grope allows me to make money doing what I always do — groping — in my spare time” says St. Louis Uber-groper Kurt Blasingame. “I can grope when I want, make good money, and still work as a state legislator.”