6 lessons I learnt about communication and life from speaking at TEDxTT
And I only learnt one of them during my 15 minutes talk.
photo by Steven Durfee
On September 29th, 2014. 9:02pm, I received the following email:
This email confirmed that I was going to be a speaker for this year’s TEDx Terry Talks (TEDxTT) — unofficially the longest running TEDx event in the world.
The video is now available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMbfDV55kmc
Needless to say, I was ecstatic. I remember not being able to sleep that night, talking long walks and thinking about what this means.
I officially spoke on October 25th, 2014. And it has been 2 weeks now since that has happened. Two weeks have passed since then, and I still haven’t been able to figure out exactly what I learnt through this journey.
And so I’m writing this to make sense of what I ended up learning speaking in front of a shit load of people about coming out.
Lesson 1 — If you have an idea, share them.
When I got the email about speaking in TEDxTT, I did not know exactly what I was talking about. I knew that it was about bisexuality, I knew that it was about coming out, I knew that it was about the work that I was doing with Equaldex but I had no idea how to convey any of those ideas.
And yet the curators invited me to speak at the event.
To this date, I didn’t know why they chose me exactly amongst the applications they received. My video was 41 seconds long and didn’t really have much to it(This is the first time this video is made public and oh god was I awkward):
But the acceptance email read: “we wanted to hear more about your topic”
Too often we don’t talk about the ideas that we have because we think the idea is not worth talking about.
Stop. Share that idea. I want to hear it and your friends want to hear it.
Because an idea stays an idea until you share it. Once you have shared it, it stops being an idea. It becomes a goal, a movement, a project and things that are much much more.
If you have an idea, share them.
Lesson 2 — Know who you’re talking to, and why they care.
The biggest struggle I had with my TEDxTT talk was on what I was trying to accomplish with it.
During my coming out, my parents threatened to disown me and I know that this is an experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. And I wanted to craft my talk to make sure that doesn’t happen to anyone.
But it was an experience that not a lot of people have experienced before.
5 minutes after I told my best friend about the TEDxTT and the message I was trying to convey, he made a comment: “Make sure the message is also translatable to non-LGBTQ+ people in the audience so that we all know what we can do to help :) )
I realized that the majority of my audience is going to be straight and has never gone through the “coming out” experience. If my talk is just going to be about how I came out, and my struggle through this experience, it won’t be able to resonate with anyone.
So I flipped the message and included the audience in my talk. I talked about how my friends, most of whom are straight, helped me through the experience of coming out. I made the story more relatable and tried to help the audience realize the power that they possessed.
I focused on how the audience made a difference rather than focusing solely on what difference they made and what difference they can make.
And it worked. I received a standing ovation.
Lesson 3 — Your first draft is shit. Let people tell you how shit it is.
One week after our first speaker meeting, the first rehearsal was scheduled. I worked on it for a few days, thinking it will be amazing and I will be one of the most prepared speaker ever.
Oh I was so wrong.
My talk was shit. It had way too many slides, it was confused, it was too fast, my pacing was that of a bullet train… in short, it was bad.
So I revised it. Multiple times. The version that ended up being on the stage is the third major revision of the talk with numerous little details edited throughout the two weeks I had after the first rehearsal.
If I didn’t let those people to tell me how bad my talk was, it would have been bad on the day of.
The first edition of anything that anyone makes is painfully bad. Accept that fact and move on. There are people around you who will help you realize how bad it is and how you can improve it. Embrace them and make a unicorn out of your shit.
Lesson 4 — You’re a representative. Represent well.
During the coffee break after my talk, 2 people came up to me and said that they were both bi and they appreciated what I had to say.
Those were two of the best compliments I have ever received in my life.
I never realized it, but once I was on the stage, intentional or not, I was the ambassador of the bi community. Without knowing it, I was talking not only for me but for a group of people. That’s scary and yet humbling somehow.
In an ideal world, you will just represent you, or, as any TED(or TEDx) curators will tell you: “The views expressed by the speakers are their own and do not reflect the views held by TED, TEDx or organizations that the speakers represent.” Despite all these efforts to isolate the individual from a group, I was still a member of that group, talking about that group and people associated me with that group.
Represent them well. You’ve been given a platform and you should strive to use that platform well. It’s a big responsibility but you can do it.
Lesson 5 — When you’re vulnerable, you forget irrelevant things. And it’s nice.
When I have to recount the 15 minutes I spent up on that stage, it would have to be this song:
Once I was up there, I forgot everything. I took off my glasses so I couldn’t see the faces. And I talked. I made my butt joke(yes there was one), my experience coming out and my call to action so everyone share their happiness, be empathetic and be vulnerable with each other.
It was surreal but yet really nice. I didn’t worry but I wasn’t excited either. All there was was what I had to talk, the next slide and the emotion I felt as I said those words.
On that stage, I was so completely vulnerable. And it felt nice.
Lesson 6— Appreciate everyone who allowed you to be here.
Without my friends, I would not be here, today, alive.
For that, I am grateful.
If you were ever doing something, the same thing applies. You wouldn’t not be where you are without those who are around you who helped you get there.
Appreciate them and thank them. They really did deserve it.
So I want to thank the following people (I’m only going to mention their first names for anonymity) who have helped shape my talk, practiced with me, organized the event and allowed me to give the talk of my life.
Logan | Gary | Michelle | Lina | Rob | Kamil | Charlotte | Matt | Aliya | Ekat | Frances | Dave | Joanne | Sam | Gordon | Urooba | Alex | Abeer | Serbulent | Joel | Swinzle | Dan | Durfee | Saarah | Kathleen | Carol | Josh | Peter | Sarah | Hailey | Milkshake
and many others who I can’t list here.
For that, I am grateful
Bonus lesson — you don’t become a super star after your TEDx talk; mind your ego.
As an example, I am still very fond of butts. Nothing really changes after your talk. And despite this being a bonus lesson, this should be the lesson. A TED talk is not the end. It’s a mean to spread your ideas to a lot of people.
So here’s hoping for the next few months/years to be the best time of my life.
