From the parody New York Times exposé series, What Goes Up, Must Come Down; Out of Touch and In College

…It was a weird turn in a long line of unusual habits for the 19 year old. According to Facilities Services at the university, the department resposible for the upkeep of the dormitories, the boys in unit 309 made multiple calls about having major renovation work done in the suite-style, four bedroom space as well as requests to have the cable rewired, under-cabinent lighting installed and the bathrooms retiled in Egyptian-import alabaster (which the boys considered ‘minor changes’). When the authorities did a proper investigation, no one was expecting to find four Baccarat crystal champagne flutes, a Yves Klein serving tray (valued at $2,100), a commissioned rug from Stark (valued at $20,000), and piles of designer shoes in the otherwise typical college dorm room. In a bedroom-turned-storage space, authorities found three cases of Vueve Clicquot champagne ($600 each), piles of New York Times newspapers, often with ‘Business Day’ sections set aside and scribbled upon, shopping bags and boxes from expensive Madison Avenue fashion boutiques and Bergdorf Goodman as well as Goyard and Louis Vuitton monogrammed luggage. Hidden behind several fur coats in a small closet, six original Picasso works were discovered as well as works by Alex Katz, George Condo, Jeff Koonz, and a particularly rare work by 18th century impressionist Edward Henry Potthast which was ultimately valued at over $1,000,000. In a kitchenette cabinet, key sets for two Land Rovers, a Bentley and an Aston Martin were found along with phone numbers and business cards for jet charters, Paris, Shanghai, and Kuwait City-based art dealers, couriers, housekeeping services, a Willet’s Point-based transatlantic shipping company, and a Fifth Avenue plastic surgeon. In the bedroom, a Moleskine notebook was filled with street addresses and the personal phone numbers of various politicians, Wall Street bankers, Park Avenue CEOs, actors, socialites, entertainers, and artists. TBD