A Millennial Asexual on Embracing Sexual Fluidity
Since the second half of 2014, Raphael reports that he has not had any true desire to be in an intimate relationship.
I don’t really know how it has come to this, it’s not exactly a choice… I’ve always been a solitary person that keeps his thoughts mostly to himself. Over time, I just let go of things I realized I genuinely don’t want: such as intimate relationships of any kind. While I wish things were different, that I was more outgoing, social, trusty, etc. I don’t want to change it. It’s who I am and I can’t betray that just to be considered more normal by other people.
He describes himself as quiet and introverted, who is generally serious and relatively smart. He points out that he prefers to listen and enjoys creative pursuits. Raphael isn’t particularly close to anybody, and is independent in most matters. While he has some casual friends, he doesn’t really feel the need to actively cultivate new bonds. However, that doesn’t mean he pushes people away either.
I’m someone who only really pursues things when I feel a strong need for it in my life.
I live alone, I don’t mind dealing with people at work, I generally have no issue with anyone and I like being part of conversations even though I don’t talk too much. Things with my family are fine, and I see them once or twice a year, which is enough for me.
I’m not repulsed by sex… but I’m not interested in it either. I’d much rather avoid it. I do find certain people of the other gender attractive sometimes, but never to the point that I would want to get sexually involved with them. I mean, I find them beautiful, they catch my attention, and maybe I have this desire to talk to them, become more than casual friends, but it’s never more than that. Given my general disinterest in relationships and sex, and with the passage of time, I realized I was “different” (referring to the sexualized culture around him).
About 6 months ago, after at least a year and a half of not being interested in anyone, the opportunity to possibly be with someone came out of nowhere. This was someone with a personality and interests that match mine, and she didn’t look bad at all. So I told myself that I could pursue this. It did not end up working for some insignificant issues (imo), and the person ended up with someone else not long after. The turning point was that I did not care that it did not work out and I did not feel like I was missing out on something essential either! Also, I never felt any sexual attraction while getting to know her. I started looking up if other people had similar feelings and ended up reading about aromanticism and asexuality, and it made sense to me. I could relate to it.
Come to think of it, establishing my identity as an aro/ace actually explains some things that weren’t right in the relationship I had that ended several years ago. I’m not gonna go into details though.
It’s important to realize what makes you you, and sexuality is an important part of it. I started giving it some serious thought a few months ago. With the help of certain online resources like AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) and Reddit, I figured it out by giving it serious thought almost every day for several months. It’s hard to say with absolute certainty since I’m still adapting to this new-found identity and possibility. It’s something I had to learn about, because nobody around me seemed to be talking about an experience like mine, but I do believe I am aromantic and asexual. My interest in being in a romantic relationship is very low, and I have zero interest in having sex with anyone no matter my connection to them.
I’ve been mocked for being so silent, shy, and not talking much. People thought I was weird during elementary and high school, but I wouldn’t call that bullying, just young people being mean. Almost nothing hints at my not being hetero, so I’ve never been mocked for that.
I did struggle for a while with accepting that I wasn’t part of the ‘norm’ though. It was my introverted personality and the fact that I was always somewhat behind everyone socially. Now that I have established that I’m ace/aro, it feels that I know myself better than ever. I am more confident in my knowledge about what I want and don’t want. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. The next step for me is to stop worrying about not being able to meet all expectations people may have of me, regardless that it has something to do with being aro/ace or not.
I like playing video games. I also like to create digital art, some simple music arrangements, videos, etc.
I am actually considering creating small video games that don’t necessarily address the subject of asexuality directly, but have some references to it. And maybe draw some short comics/memes that have something to do with aromanticism and asexuality to share online.
<Editor’s note: I think this is amazing! We definitely need a lot more conversation about such sexual preferences in the mainstream community. If Raphael’s memes were to show up on 9gag or go viral on tumblr, that would be a pretty interesting starting point for people to understand and acknowledge the experience of asexuals.)
I don’t feel sad, insecure, scared or anything with the discovery that I’m ace/aro. When I decide to come out, some people may judge me but I don’t care. This probably wouldn’t have been the case, for instance, when I was younger and was already sad about being seen as a weird introvert. But now, I’m more mature and the realization came as a relief, more than anything.
There’s a possibility that things could change in the future regarding what I desire. But for now and the foreseeable future, I am definitely aromantic and asexual.
(Editor’s note: Your identity is fluid, and I think that applies to the sexual part of your identity as well.)
You are who you are. People who can’t accept it are the issue, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being a heteroromantic heterosexual person.
Realizing you are an aro/ace is getting rid of your own expectation that you must find a partner like other people expect to.
In one of your previous stories, they shared a song that they enjoyed in relation to their identity. I thought I’d do the same.
The song is about someone who is not sure if they can still feel true love anymore even after dating so many people. This isn’t exactly a struggle I had, but when it comes to how I used to feel before the realization that I am aromantic and asexual, I can relate to several elements of the song, such as the title and the mood, and the following lines too-
“From boy to man, still with sadness”
“If I could just fall, I’d fall for you”
“I got a heart, it just don’t work that good”
“So tell me am I loveless?”
“I’m going crazy, now I’m alone again”
“I don’t even know why I’m like that”
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ASexual Self is a series of stories about asexuals, mostly in their own words. Join in the conversation by sharing these posts and the publication itself with your friends, family, and anybody who you think might be struggling to figure out their sexual identity. You can also leave a comment, highlight parts of the story that make you pause and think, or show us some old-school ❤.
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Originally published at medium.com on May 6, 2017.
