10 Stupid Things I Have Done To Try And Impress A Girl And Have Failed Miserably
1.Sagging my pants 0.5 inches below the social norm which would basically be where the bottom of the butt cheek forms a shadow with the back of your leg and creates the feeling of a prickly cucumber.
2. Cashing in a hundred dollar bill and ask for all singles, then proceed to buy frozen yogurt and pull out 100 singles to really see if bands make her dance.
3. Pretending like I was verified on Twitter.
4. Telling her the corny joke as follows:
Britney Spears Who?
Oops I did it again!
5. Not using any of the four different Regal Cinemas gift cards I had accumulated and instead decided to pay with cash to look like I wasn’t cheap but I ended up wasting 20 dollars cash each time and I couldn’t afford to play the crane game afterwards because all I had was a gift card.
6. Putting my car in neutral to rev my engine while driving to try and get the attention of the girls on a sidewalk but instead my car got stuck in neutral and I slowly rolled down the hill and had to wait until I reached 0 mph before I could switch back. All the while they were staring at my car looking like the Magic School Bus going at a snail’s pace down the hill.
7. Taking a college course in Art History trying to prove I could be artistic, philosophical and worldly but the girl I liked dropped out of the class after the first week and now I’m stuck writing essays on how nudity appealed to the brains of perverted 18th century European artists.
8. Joining high school student council because the ratio was 98 percent female and 2 percent male however the only person that talked to me was in the 2 percent male category. It was me and a kid named Peter and he liked Webkinz.
9. Going to the gym and instead of just riding the stationary bike I went over to the heavy lifting section and tried to benchpress without a spotter and then I couldn’t keep the bar stable and it fell to one side. Then the girl next to me had to pick it up and asked if maybe I should try lifting less but I was only lifting the bar without any weights on it.
10. Test driving a Porsche and parking it at school for ten minutes just to have girls see me walk out of it and then getting a ticket from campus security for not having a registered parking tag on the car.
Originally published at rantswithsteve.com on April 2, 2015.