Dear Landlord,

Thank you for letting this cozy flat to us, we’ve done the best we can to make it our own. Yes, having a bathroom the size of a cupboard makes it difficult to manoeuvre, it would help if the door opened all the way instead of crashing into the loo. And all the air freshener in the world can’t seem to overcome the foul smelling water which lurches up through the shower drain.

The kitchen too could be a bit more sizeable, I like to be close to my partner but it’s impossible for us both to make breakfast if were elbowing each other out the way constantly. But its fine when we’re both in need of the kitchen we’ve come up with a complicated dance to see us through the trauma of trying. It’s far more bearable than the ice cave of wonder residing in the minuscule freezer section of the fridge, though it has helped me to stop eating tubs of Ben & Jerry’s as the freezer can’t accommodate one.

But who cares? It’s a cozy flat right in the centre of town, it doesn’t matter that you’ve left the old dimmer switch in the bedroom but not told the light fitting, who doesn’t want a strobe effect while they’re trying to read? And everyone who has ever lived in a flat knows it’s impossible not to hear your neighbours having bad sex, or play awful music, or have a child with a serious set of lungs.

In short I hope you do notice the sarcasm when I say we’re happy to be paying half our pay checks every month to live here even though the novelty of having our own place has severely worn off.

Yours Sincerely,

Tenant Too Exhausted To Complain