Finding the positive

I have varying degrees of days:

Good days

OK days

Rubbish days

Black days

On a good day, I feel excited by the thought of the future. A future where I can be totally and completely me. A place that gives me opportunities, chances and hope. Somewhere I can plan for, things I can achieve. It’s a reality I believe I can have. It’s tangible, but not yet within reach. A world where I can be me and be proud of being me.

On OK days, I manage. I have time and space for everyone else. I can complete tasks, I can do mundane activities. I can be ‘normal’. I know there is something unfinished lurking in the background, but I can keep it quiet. The leash is firmly tied and it is still.

On rubbish days there is a lot of crying, a lot of self doubting, a lot of loneliness. A lot of fear too. Is there something wrong with me that means I can’t cope as well as other people? How can I possibly achieve anything when I can barely look after myself. These days are long.

On black days there is no crying, there is no hope at all. It is a huge pit of sadness that feels absolutely impossible to climb out of. And the self loathing overwhelms. These are truly awful days and sometimes they are simply days I have to plough through and believe there will be lightness on the other side.

When it is a rubbish or OK day, I use things to keep me going. I have conversations with myself. I won’t let the self doubting voice have it all its own way. I will argue with it, I will oppose it. I use my will power to send it away humbled. I make a point of challenging it.

For anyone suffering from the affliction of self doubt, I urge you to stand and face it head on. It is not easy. It is a strong and powerful voice. But only you can silence it, or at least lessen its impact. I don’t say this lightly. I believe this is a battle I will have to fight most days, but I have learnt that I don’t have to give in. I can win.

And everyday I reward myself with the thought that I am a good mum-that is my one constant. If you can find one thing you know you are good at, focus on it and remind yourself of it each and every day. I look at my children and they know nothing of my struggle. They are happy, confident and wonderful human beings-this is one job I can get right. I work very hard to ensure my children feel loved, secure, safe and happy. I value them as individuals, I teach them to love and respect others. I teach them to value themselves. I am redressing the balance.

One day, I’d like to find the time to redress the balance for me too.