HEIDI
A Letter to the Woman Who Catfished Me
It was probably nothing to you but it felt like the world to me
Written By Tia Urella
This is “Heidi Evans.” She was born in the suburbs of San Diego on July 24th, 1985; the daughter of two loving parents and younger sister of two brothers, Robert and Steven.
This is Heidi with her beautiful daughter Isabella Evans; “Izzy” for short. Izzy loves the beach and often gets tummy aches at night. This little beautiful baby had me up late at night for the purpose of researching homeopathic remedies for childhood stomach ailments.
And this is Heidi, Isabella and Heidi’s mom at Isabella’s Christening. Such a beautiful family.
*Insert a full-hearted sigh here*
Heidi and I met on the on-line dating site OKCupid near the end of February 2015, and had an immediate connection and attraction. We exchanged nearly five hundred emails, dozens of text messages and several phone conversations.
Pictures were exchanged, dreams were shared, fantasies were explored and fears were divulged.
“Tia, honestly you’re so real and kind and raw and I don’t think you’re anything other than real. I don’t think you could be anything less. You’re such a sweet (and yes, obviously attractive) woman who is more real than most people I see everyday. An inspiringly, hopeful kind of person who has only brightened by day each day.”
After a string of failed, unhealthy relationships, I finally thought that I had met ‘the one’. A woman who recognized my greatness in the blink of an eye. Someone that wanted nothing more than to be the object of my desire and in return to make me the object of her desire. After all, we both wanted more children, we had similar tastes in books, music, movies, wine — we even shared the same birthday.
We had similar senses of adventure, passion, humor, ideals and morals.
Communicating with Heidi had my days feeling exponentially brighter.
Heidi claimed to have her Master’s in economics from UCLA, and had all the knowledge to back up her assertion. She claimed Izzy was conceived through the process of in vitro fertilization— while single — because she knew it was the right time to bring her into the world.
How could I have been anything less than completely smitten? She was beautiful, educated, kind, compassionate, funny, adventurous and sexy.
“You help just by being yourself, sweetheart…. you care and you’re supportive and (the most over used word for you but it fits you so well) sweet. Thank you, beautiful. You melt me… like all the time. Like, you melt my heart into a puddle or just make me want to melt right into bed with you.”
Even after I realized Heidi had zero social media, unreliable means of communicating, her phone often unable to send text messages or receive phone calls and the most obvious red flag her unwillingness to Skype, I wasn’t discouraged. After dating several “model-types,” the self-absorbed who enjoy the fruits of a relationship simply because it validates them, the type of women that listen to respond rather than listening to understand — Heidi was different.
She was present, captivated, genuinely engaged. As ironic as it subsequently turned out to be, she was the most authentic and refreshing breath of fresh air.
The knowledge of her existence gave me hope and therein lies my error: the belief in oneself and our own inherent gifts and talents should be our driving force. I digress…
Unfortunately for me, Heidi was not who she claimed to be. A few months after we found each other and upon my insistence that we Skype, I received this email:
There’s no way to say this that isn’t going to hurt you… I’ve written out a version of this message dozens of times since we first started talking but I always talked myself out of it… justified it in some way and let myself live in this little world that you and I had created…
Your suspicions were right, that I am not who I project myself to be. That I was too good, literally too good, to be true — was true.
I’ve written this message as a single paragraph…. And as ten paragraphs but the longer version of my guilt, contrition, and humiliation, I know, does nothing to heal the wrong that I’ve inflicted on you… So I will be brief, but I hope that the sincerity of my apology isn’t lost in the admission of my deceitfulness… because I am so so so sorry.
You divulged your innermost thoughts and feelings to me, and I did the same… and I have genuinely felt so connected and close to you. I realize how asinine that may sound to you now… and I have no justification, I’m just a single mom with my own issues with relationships and intimacy that I should have never drug you into the middle of. I won’t try to make this ‘right’ in anyone’s eyes… but I suppose my only means of explanation is that I longed for an emotional, intellectual connection…. And found it.. It was so hard to make myself let go when I knew someone as wonderful as you was in existence and gave “me” the time of day.
I’ve already done what I said I wouldn’t do… draw this out and make (what I’m sure to you, now, are empty, meaningless reasons for my unforgiveable behavior) but I’m going to leave them here…
To say that I’m sorry doesn’t cover my guilt. To simply say “I wish you the absolute best of everything in life because you deserve it” will probably fall deafly on the screen because my words are hollow to you now… but it’s true. I’m deeply, deeply, humbly sorry and I hope you find no more stumbling blocks like me in your path to love and happiness and joy in your life. You’re an incredible, beautiful, wonderful person inside and out. I never should have ever come close to hurting something as purely beautiful as you are. I’m so so sorry for the betrayal and pain that I’m sure this will cause you. I’m so sorry.
I have a letter for you, Heidi: I forgive you. I forgive all of your deceitfulness, your betrayal and all the lies you spun throughout our short journey together. You are wholeheartedly forgiven.
The truth of the matter: I probably would have accepted and loved you regardless of your circumstances or your physical appearance or whatever else you felt was intolerable. Now your account is deactivated, your email address is cancelled and your phone is disconnected, I am unable to share all of this with you. You sent me that email and left no room for questions or a discussion.
You’re now a ghost.
Find someone that will love you for you without having to lie, or hide or deceive. Never change who you are. The right person will love you for you.
Heidi’s string of deceit and lies has shown me the power of forgiveness and compassion. Whoever Heidi is, I hope she finds whatever she is looking for and my sincere and singular desire she looks in the mirror and starts by loving herself.
I still plan on taking my trip from Ft. Lauderdale to San Diego — originally planned and scheduled to meet Heidi in person.
Only now I’ll be alone and hoping to discover a better version of myself.
Tracy Moore eloquently describes why losing at the game of love is truly a blessing in disguise in “Why Getting Painfully Rejected in Love is Awesome”:
“The rejection that comes after an infatuation this intense is incredibly painful; it is also good. It is a gift. I hate sports metaphors, but here we go: When life throws you a curve-ball, you don’t always have to step up and take a swing at it. Sometimes you should just let it hit you square in the nose and experience the pain of a real gusher. Get totally creamed by something or someone. Don’t even get back up right away. Just let everything fall apart and just fucking sit there at the very bottom of the wreck like a chump for awhile. Being lied to or fucked over or tricked in the game of love are painful but critical lessons on the path to personhood that tell you something about yourself. Becoming vulnerable and subsequently revising your self conception are both essential components of falling in love. (And so is protecting yourself from a gargoyle who says all the right stuff but has no intention or ability to back it up with real love).”
Through this entire process, I learned I’m worth it, and the real Heidi does exist out there somewhere. Not only is real love possible — I AM POSSIBLE. As Andréa Balt wrote:
“The most difficult and creative act of rebellion is to refuse all that dismisses your soul, to break the weary chains of expectations, to be nobody else but unapologetically you. To get to know and love the real person living in your chest, discard all imitations born of fear or not-enoughness.”
Written By: Tia Urella / tiaurella@hotmail.com / April 2015
Original photography: February 2014 — March 2015
