Afraid to be Scared
I don’t want to be frightened anymore.
In a 1933 inauguration we were once told the only thing we have to fear is fear itself; yet today the only thing I truly fear is the prospect of almost everything.
From Twin Towers falling to death metal on dead ears in Paris, the world in which we live is shrouded in terror. But with the exception of the global few who are directly robbed of their lives, terrorism is not really a direct issue for most of us, despite what we are drip fed from the media and misinformed peer chatter.
No, the real source of life-limiting paralysis is fear and fear itself. Jesus Christ, everyone is so damn scared.
Fear is necessary, it is an evolutionary response to our environment, to ward off dangers, to keep us alert and to keep us alive. But there is a difference between alive and a life and I for one cannot sleep the rest of mine with one eye open.
Fear flows and leaks like some terrible poison into the reservoir of your daily life and water like this only makes you sick before your time and fragile from your strength.
And it’s really not just me. From my friends and my colleagues, from the people in my life and from the bottom of my own heart, here are the fears that rattle the calcium from our bones and shake us down the ladder of life:
We’re afraid of not doing ‘well enough’, now I’m sorry to be crass here but what the actual fuck does that mean?
We’re afraid of finding out the truth, about ourselves and about others.
We’re afraid of not being where we should be. We’re frightened that we’re not there now and even more scared at the prospect of being behind when we’re 35 or 45 or never reaching it al all. Behind? Behind what, please tell me? Futher more if I am ‘ahead’ who or what do I have the sheer unbridled audascity of thinking I’m ahead of exactly?
We’re afraid of failing exams, of not passing tests and not getting our degrees exactly when everyone else thinks we should.
We’re afraid to speak up.
We’re afraid to ask for help and often to help others.
We’re afraid of losing our jobs or not getting better ones.
We’re afraid they will leave us, break our hearts and leave us worse than when they found us.
We’re afraid of what others think, which would be just so god damn laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. As Oscar Wild said, ‘the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about’.
We’re afraid of our children, living or future, what they’ll have and what’ll have to go without.
We’re afraid of walking home alone.
We’re afraid of a conversation, a text, an email.
We’re afraid of leaving home, the other half are afraid of coming home.
We’re afraid of fear, of putting ourselves forward, of taking that chance, afraid of how hot the burn is, afraid of how far the fall might be. There is an irony in the fear of being held back by fear alone.
We’re afraid of death, of losing those around us when really there is nothing we can do except live our lives
We’re afraid of inadequacy, of not being enough for the people we love, for our friends and family.
And perhaps, absolutely worst of all, we are afraid to be who we are.
But you know what;
I’m sick of being afraid.
I’m fed up and I’m angry as hell. This is it, this is the one ticket I’ve been given and there’s no exchange policy in place, and I wouldn’t trade it in even if there was. This is my time, this your time…this, right now, the choices we make, the relationships we stake and the moments we take…right now this is our time.
It is precious. It is limited. And I’m afraid to say I’ll be damned if I waste one more minute on fear.
We deserve a break, respite from the fear. If we don’t give it to ourselves we’ll stagnate in this water forever. It’s not about moving up, there is no up. It’s about moving on and enjoying the challenge of the journey.
Pensions and planning, yeah there are elements of life that really are important. And while that list above us might be filled with real life realities, there is a distinct difference between what should be a legitimate concern and an irrational fear.
So it’s time to focus on what’s right in front of me, instead of always looking out to sea and waiting for the waves that never even ripple.
