If I could wish….
I started by thinking that I’d wish for part of my memory bank to be re-defined. There are moments when I wish more than anything not to recall being hit. I wish with all my heart that I didn’t have to remember what it feels like to be dragged across the floor. I wish part of me was not able to recall being yelled at for ‘getting things wrong’ over and over again. Because each time I remember, it hurts. It hurts every time. I can’t see a time when it will ever stop hurting.
But, I suppose these memories are as much a part of me as the ones recalling my first kiss, or summer days in the sunshine, or messing about with friends. Not all my memories are painful. Many are OK, some are happy.
And I guess that’s how I would like to see myself one day-mainly OK and mostly happy. To get there I think I have to accept that the other stuff is also a part of me. It’s in my very core and makes me who I am. The me I have been hasn’t been all that happy, isn’t terribly confident and believes herself to be not quite good enough.
To get to being OK, the memories good and bad need to find their own place. I need to find my own way of accepting them and acknowledging that they will always hurt. They can give me strength. I know I can overcome things. I have an inner steel that has seen me through so far. Now I need to make it push me further and break free.
I will always cry, how can you not cry when you remember being hit by someone meant to protect you? I just need to find the strength to make sure that the pain doesn’t strangle me like it has done up until now. The anguish has suffocated me and I have become constrained by the misery.
I don’t want that to be me anymore. I want to find a way to live with the pain and place it somewhere safe. I can’t move on until I do. So I don’t think I should wish for these memories to be gone, because if they are, then a part of me goes with them. But I do wish for the strength to find a better place both for them and for me.