Improvise Your Social Life

If you’re naturally introverted like me, entering a room full of strangers can be anxiety-inducing. Social situations are easy for some and challenging for the rest of us. Approaching someone you don’t know to start a conversation can feel downright impossible.

One year ago I decided to confront my social struggles by taking improv classes. Improv is a form of acting that has no script; everyone on stage makes up the scene as they go. When you think about it life is a lot like improv, just about everyone is making it up as they go.

Taking improv has helped me tremendously and I no longer fear rooms filled with new faces. I feel comfortable in my own skin and find myself casually initiating conversation. The lessons I learned in improv can be applied in social situations to help anyone break out of their shell.

I have put together this list of steps to help anyone improvise their social life:

1. Get Out of Your Head

When it comes to getting out of our comfort zone, we can be our own worst enemy. Indecision makes us hesitate. Doubt tells us it’s a bad idea. Fear keeps us frozen in place.

There’s a voice in our head telling us: “Don’t do it.”

Getting out of your head means getting rid of that voice! Tell it to “shut up” or “go away.” Imagine how taking a chance can lead to something great. Be positive. You can do this!

Sometimes the longer I spend trying to get out of my head, the harder it is. The more I try to convince myself to ‘go for it’ can end up working against me. If this is true for you as well, the best thing to do is make the snap decision to just do it. Once you find yourself caught up in the moment, it’s less likely you will go back inside your head.

2. Start the Scene

The scene starts in improv when the actors walk on stage. In social situations the starting point can be approaching someone to talk, or simply walking into a room.

The scene starts with you making a decision: It’s show time.

It can be helpful to have an opening line: a witty remark about your surroundings, an observation about something going on, or anything else you can think of. Opening the scene with an idea of what you want to talk about is a strong start.

Don’t get hung up on having an opening line though. The danger of planning what you will say is anticipating the other person’s response and then planning ahead to your next line. If they respond differently than you expected, it will derail the entire script in your head. This is improv, not a movie! There’s no script, so don’t worry about having one.

3. Be Specific

Sometimes we shorten our responses. Maybe we’re being polite, maybe we’re being lazy, or maybe we’re just not aware. Giving short answers can kill a conversation because it forces the other person to do all the work. The details behind what we say are what makes us interesting, so share them!

To break the habit of giving short responses, ask yourself these questions:
“Why?” and “Because?”

Person A: “Did you see the new Game of Thrones episode?”
Person B: “Yeah, it was awesome!”
[Why?]
Person B: “The fighting scenes were epic, and I totally want my own dragon!”

Person A: “Have you tried the new Thai restaurant down the street?”
Person B: “I went last week. I didn’t like it.”
[Because?]
Person B: “There was a long wait to get a table, and when we finally got our food, it was lukewarm!”

The best part about being specific is that it will help both of you find the fun (step 6). When you put more information into the conversation, there’s a greater potential one of you will find something to expand on.

4. Be Honest

It seems so simple, but being honest is sometimes the most difficult thing to do. “How are you?” is a question we commonly answer with dishonesty. Even when we’re not “fine” or “good,” these are the responses we give.

Giving yourself permission to be honest is a beautiful thing.

Others will recognize your willingness to be honest and they will reciprocate. Imagine how much more interesting our conversations could be if people shared what was really on their minds.

Once you change your conversations from “guarded” to “honest,” you will feel an incredible difference in your interactions. Honesty will humanize you in the eyes of others. You will no longer be just another face in the crowd. You will be somebody real, with real emotions- the type of person it’s possible to have a genuine connection with.

5. Get Comfortable With Silence

Most people can’t stand silence. A pause in conversation is usually brought on when you both have come to the end of the road in your thoughts. Some people view this as a bad thing and they immediately scramble to fill the void.

Rushing from one topic to the next can cause more harm than good.

Constantly coming up with something new to talk about doesn’t allow the previous thought to be fully digested. It’s like going straight from dinner to dessert without a pause between. It can also be exhausting. Jumping from topic to topic requires a lot of mental energy.

Instead, embrace the silence. Smile and appreciate the moment. Trust that the conversation will pick back up. Let it come naturally. If it doesn’t happen naturally, it’s not the end of the world. It’s better to let a conversation end than to force it onward.

6. Find the Fun

This is the best part of a scene. Finding the fun happens when you say something in a conversation that grabs the attention of the other person. They will follow up on whatever you just said, and suddenly the conversation will become effortless.

Sparks will fly and laughter will be shared; this is where the magic happens.

Person A: “Have you been to this bar before?”
Person B: “No, how about you?”
A: “This is my second time.”
B: “It seems kind of quiet tonight, was it like this before?”
A: “Last time I was here, I think it was 90’s night because they were playing Brittney Spears and TLC.”
B: “Oh my gosh, I love TLC!”
A: “Me too! They were my favorite growing up!”
B: “Waterfalls was my jam. I still listen to it after a tough break up.”
A: “Oh yeah, that’s a good one. I need to go digging through my room to see if I still have their CD.”

Can you point to the moment when the fun was found? You are correct if you said it was after Person B declared their love for TLC.

The best part about finding the fun is that it can happen more than once in a conversation. This is why it’s important to be comfortable with silence. After a really energetic exchange, you may feel compelled to keep riding that high, but don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. Trust that you will find more fun as the conversation progresses.

7. End the Scene On a High Note

A skilled improvisor knows when to end a scene. A good scene can last 30 seconds or it can go on for 10 minutes, maybe longer. In social situations, it takes a special kind of awareness to know when to wrap things up. When to end the scene is a careful balance between not running away from a good conversation and not overstaying your welcome.

It’s always best to end the scene on the tail end of a fun exchange.

Perhaps you have been talking for a little while; you found the fun, followed it, and just shared a good laugh. The silence is beginning to set in as you let out one last “Hah!” Should you embrace the silence and wait for the conversation to pick back up? Maybe it is time to tell the other person you enjoyed talking and hope to see them again soon. In either case, trust your gut reaction and go with it.

You made a connection, shared a moment, and don’t want to make it awkward. Ending the scene on a high note leaves your new acquaintance with a positive impression. You should be feeling good as well. You got out of your head, started the scene, and found the fun! Pat yourself on the back, you are now improvising your social life.