Redefining the question “How are you?”

Here I am again, laying in bed, computer on my lap, enveloped in my thoughts and three cozy blankets. It sounds nice and all, but in reality, this is where I feel the most depressed. This is the place where I am the most in tune with my thoughts (and as an introvert, I relish in this), but by being in tune I am also inherently sad. While deep thought can be magical, it also often proves to be a way in which I confront the things in my life that are most troubling.

Don’t get me wrong, I pride myself on being able to confront things about myself that most people tend to ignore. In this spot I have spent hours pondering my sexuality, coming to terms with body image issues, dealing with depression and loss, and inventing new ways to overcome previous social misunderstandings and anxiety. All of those thoughts have shaped me to be the version of myself that I am today (which I am proud of), but they have simultaneously made me feel alienated from people and society in general.

I don’t know anyone else’s story. I don’t know what sort of mental journeys you may have taken. I don’t know how your perspective has evolved over time. I don’t know what difficult times you may have been through, or what you may be going through right now. Or, if I do know those things, I don’t truly know how they make you feel. Because in modern American society, we almost completely neglect (and certainly devalue) discussing our feelings.

Think about it, how many times have you felt like you were plagued by anxiety or discomfort, but still told someone that you are “good” because that is the answer they seek when they ask “How are you?” Are you really just “good”? A single word that is so general it is basically meaningless? Of course you aren’t. But all of us, myself included, feel like we need to hide our feelings that are something other than happiness/contentedness because those are the two that gain the most praise from society.

Pick a person close to you. A sibling, mother-in-law, cousin, best friend, partner, coworker, anyone. Of course you know them well relative to other people, but do you know what they think about on a daily basis? Do you know how events in their every day life actually make them feel? Do they really love their jobs as much as they claim to? What’s making them so tired? Are they afraid of what’s going to come in the future? Do they truly deal with loss as well as they appear to? What is troubling them? How do they view themselves?

To be honest, my self identity is shaped by all of those things above, as I believe many others shape their internal views of themselves. And if those things are really some of our defining features, does anyone really know us that well? Do I really know the people who I consider close to me? I’m not sure that I do.

A recurring thought in my mind is that I wish the entirely-too-commonplace question “How are you?” should be redefined in the sense that we should take the time to actually listen for the answer. Ask people to elaborate. Ask more specific questions, like “How does [blank new situation] make you feel? How does it affect you?” You will probably surprise a lot of people, because, as I said, we hyper-focus on small talk and omit huge portions of emotion to uphold the status quo. Your interest will be unexpected.

But I challenge you, the next time you are hanging out with someone you think you know well, to ask them “What are you thinking about right this second?” or “What has occupied your mind today?” If they are open enough, they might share a deeper or newer part of themselves with you. Those types of interactions, in my opinion, are the most valuable.

By learning about someone’s hardships and the feelings that may accompany them, you will make a much more human connection with someone than you would by discussing the profanities that Donald Trump has spewed on any particular day. You might actually find out that your best friend is just as depressed as you are, or that your father is secretly worried he may be laid off from his job. While those aren’t necessarily easy things to deal with, you get the opportunity to discuss your feelings with someone else and grow closer in that process.