Silencing the inner voice

I realise we all have an inner voice-one that doubts us, whispers the caveats ‘but’, ‘never’, ‘ridiculous’, ‘stupid’, ‘silly’, ‘nonsense’ over and over again. I heard a comedian the other day talk about the contradiction of the artist-inherently insecure yet simultaneously egotistical. And I can totally empathise with this.

The only problem for me is that my inner voice tends to begin whispering the ‘but’ and ‘ridiculous’ before increasing in volume until it is shouting and screaming words like ‘idiot’, ‘pathetic’, ‘rubbish’, ‘prat’. And they’re said with venom too.

And I don’t have the ego to go with it either. Or maybe I do, but it is an ego fixated on self destruction and self doubt. To be perfectly honest I’d love to have an ego that actually wanted me to succeed. It would be wonderful to have the self belief ego conflict savagely with the inner voice of doubt.

There are momentary flickers of ego that burst through. Tiny snatches of light where I hear the words ‘better’, ‘able’, ‘capable’, ‘opportunity’. So they are there, somewhere. But somehow the viscious self doubt has become far too powerful and blankets everything in its darkness.

I’m not frightened by the artistic struggle. I’m not scared of my belittling inner voice. Perhaps this is part of the problem. I should be wary of it. It’s not exactly a friendly voice. But it is familiar, and I suppose that is the main issue. It becomes the abusive voice to replace the abusive experience. Such an unpleasant irony that one. I know how to deal with the unkind voice.

I have no idea how to manage the ego. If I notice an opportunistic thought appearing, it gets quickly shouted down because it is a stranger that brings with it unfamiliar feelings. I need that ego to shout back, argue, reason and justify. At the moment it cowers in the corner, too nervous to make regular appearances.

My inner voice isn’t your usual one. I’m not making excuses for it or for me. If anything, in writing this I’m trying to understand it for myself. Because in understanding, I believe I will find the strength to press the mute button more successfully.

I have carved enough space for my children and for everyday living, now I need to find a way to create enough space for me to speak, listen and be heard.