Spite is a Great Motivator
Spite gets a bad rap. I’ve found spite to be very motivating in my life. Before you think I’m some horrible person, I’ve never intentionally caused harm to someone out of spite. I’m not talking about the hateful kind of spite; I’m talking about the, “I’m going to prove you wrong” kind of spite. And I’m not talking about the friendly, competitive, “I’m going to prove you wrong. Ha ha ha.” kind of spite, but the “You suck. I’m going to prove you wrong. You are now my arch nemesis” kind of spite.
This brand of spite takes the moral high ground. Maybe there’s a better word, in some other language (I bet the Spanish — or maybe the Italians — have a word for this) but spite feels right.
When I was in 7th grade (like every grade in school), I struggled. My middle school was a three year school composed of 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. I felt like I had barely survived grade school and was completely overwhelmed in 7th grade with all the different classes and all these giant kids everywhere (I was one of the short kids). While they diagnosed me with “learning disabilities” it wasn’t until several years later that they started calling these “disabilities” ADHD. So yeah, I’m so hipster, I had ADHD before it was cool (lucky me). But this isn’t meant to be a pity party, let’s get on to the spite.
While 7th grade Tac was completely overwhelmed, he met a nice man, who’s job it was to help him through school, it was his guidance counselor.
One day, when my mother and I were sitting in his office, and she was explaining to him that the teachers were going to have to make some drastic changes in their teaching styles to accommodate me. She was asking for crazy things like write the homework assignments on the chalkboard and not just rattle off the list of homework assignments verbally. His response changed my life forever.
He looked at my mom, sitting on the edge of his desk and without looking at me or even acknowledging that I was in the room, said, “Maybe Tac’s just learned everything he’s going to learn. Maybe you should consider Vo-tech or something for him.”
The rest of the meeting was a blur for me. I know my mom got mad, and that we left his office after she yelled at him for a little while. I also remember my mother telling me not to listen to him. But I did listen to him, just not in the way he intended.
I did go on to graduate high school, and college, and even earned a masters degree. But a lot of kids in my situation didn’t. There are a lot of kids who don’t learn the way the educational system teaches, and they just say “screw it, I’m out.” I don’t think I’m smarter than any of them, so why didn’t I just quit? Why did I continue to go on and struggle through college? Because of spite, that’s why.
Maybe the reason I made it through wasn’t just spite, but when things got hard, and no matter how hard I tried I still struggled and worked my ass off to maintain a C average (which usually meant I had to find some way to bring my D up to a C), I would pull from my spite and refuse to let him be right. Even though he has no idea what I’ve managed to do or how hard I’ve worked, I know that he was wrong.
I love it when people tell me I can’t do something. Sometimes they’re right. But usually, they’re wrong. Dead wrong.
We all have these experiences where noone believes in you. I don’t know how you overcome the naysayers, but too many people don’t. A lot of people quit.
I also know that most people use spite in a self-destructive way. Usually, people use spite as a reason not to do something. It’s the childish, “you can’t make me,” kind of spite that’s most destructive. I have that sometimes too, but I know that when I do that, I’m only hurting myself. By using spite to motivate me to make myself better, I’m neither hurting the naysayer, nor myself. I’m just making myself better.
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Originally published at tacanderson.com.
