The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody
Some time ago, a friend called to tell me that she has broken up with her fiancé. They had been together for six years. It came as a huge shock of course, as I had always thought that everything’s running so perfectly for her, or at least that’s how it seemed on her social media.
He was her first boyfriend. They met as freshmen in college. After four years of college life together, and then one year of long distance relationship, he proposed and she said yes. They even had plans to buy a new house together. Everything was going according to plan, like a fairytale centered around the idea of first love and happily ever after.
But like a cruel twist of fate, things took a turn. My friend was falling out of love with the person she was going to marry.
“How do you know if you’re still in love with someone, or if you’re just staying because of the familiarity?” she asked me over the phone.
It wasn’t a swift, abrupt change of heart, she said, but a gradual loss of attraction. She had tried all ways to fall back in love with him, but her efforts were mostly unfruitful. Finally, she had enough. She’s tired of fighting for love and against herself. So she decided to come clean with her fiancé. It took her all her courage.
After the breakup, she felt relieved, yet at the same time, deeply perplexed. “In my head, I know that I don’t want him as a lover. Yet in my heart, I still feel for him. Why?”
I was able to empathise with her, as I myself had been through a similar situation of trying and pretending to be in love with somebody when I was actually not. For me, it was a torturous and painful experience.
So I tried to break it down for her:
There is a difference between needing somebody/something and wanting them. What you want may not necessarily be what you need.
For instance, you may want that latest rose gold iPhone, or that new Chanel bag you saw, or to go to Taylor Swift’s concert, but the reality is, you don’t have to have them. You don’t need them. Of course, your desire for that something can be weak or strong. You may want it really, really badly, or you may just want it half-heartedly.
On the other hand, you need oxygen. There is no real, conscious desire for it. It’s not a “want.” But nonetheless you have to have it to live.
Of course, there are circumstances in life when a need could become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that “need” becomes “want.” In those moments, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?
Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is Love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question:
”Love is when you want what you need, and need what you want.”
Now, let me spell it out for you further. I believe that most love relationships start out in the state of wanting. When you first fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.
There is lust, but you know that there is also something more. You feel this craving in the depths of your soul, and in every nerve and fiber of your physical being. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaving you wanting for more. Like a thirst that can’t be quenched. Some say, Love is like a drug. Indeed, it can feel like an addiction, but to another human being.
Then over time, as you become more and more accustomed to this person, the two of you also start to share similar habits. You have codes and lingos and inside jokes that nobody else understands. There is a blossoming sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with their acceptance of you — not just from the way they love you, but also the way they let you love them.
Perhaps this is the point where want transcends into need. When you have so gradually become dependent on this person for your emotional and physical needs and demands that he/she isn’t just a lover anymore, but has become your best friend, your personal cheerleader, and your pillar of strength.
Not only have they become a crucial part of your life, they have become a part of you too. In a way, they have become your “comfort zone,” a refuge that you can run to in times of trouble and distress. And it would literally be your worst nightmare if one day life were to rob you of them. That would break you like nothing else could.
Indeed, love can leave us in a very vulnerable state. It can be a dangerous place where you might get yourself and the other party really hurt.
As for my friend’s mixed feelings towards her ex, here’s how I explained it to her:
”It’s not romantic love you’re feeling — it’s nostalgia. After a break up, it’s inevitable that you feel needy, because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again. You are missing that part of him which feels familiar. If you get back with him, you may feel better for the time being, but do you think you’ll stay satisfied for long? In the end, he’s still not what you want. Maybe he was, but that’s the past. I understand that as compared to being single again after such a long time, he’s definitely the safer choice. But if you settle for a half-assed love, I afraid that you may be risking your future happiness.”
Having said so, I was also fully aware that it’s hypocritical of me to set such high bars for her, for at the end of the day, it’s not me who’s going to suffer the consequences of my advice — she would.
Still, I wouldn’t have given her an advice that I personally would not follow. No one said that breakups will be easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you’re gonna marry. But at least it’s better than running away on the wedding day, right?
Many may disagree with my point and argue, “But love is a choice!” Well yes, I do agree with you. There is no contention there.
But how do you know if someone’s the one for you? How do you know if he’s worth holding on to, even when your heart tells you no?
How do you know if you’re staying because of the familiarity? Or because in the eyes of others, you’re the most perfect couple?
Another good friend of mine used to be with this guy who was like “The Ideal Boyfriend.” He’s good looking, successful in his career, highly motivated and popular among his friends. He was someone she knew she could respect, look up to and learn from.
However, in the relationship, he was also extremely temperamental. He would lash out at her for the smallest things. On top of that, he also held unreasonably high expectations of her. It was as though she would never be good enough for him.
In spite of that, she stayed with him. She tried to be patient. She wanted to help him become a better lover. She would give him chance after chance. Whenever she’s on the verge of leaving him, he would convince her that he’s gonna change. “Let’s try to work this out together babe,” he’d say.
She told me she did see some improvements in his attitude over the years, though not by a lot. So she made herself put up with the regular, almost habitual, emotional abuse.
I guess my point is, yes, love is a choice, but don’t settle for less.
Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of someone else who could treat you the way you want to be treated. Let love be love. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.
Lastly, I’ll leave you with this:
”You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world… but you do have some say in who hurts you.” — John Green, The Fault In Our Stars
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