The second friend you call. The honest one.

I’m not an easy person to be friends with. To an audience of a few hundred people, my wife once described me as crusty.

I’m not some introverted, antisocial person. I’m actually an extrovert. I do really well in social settings. I’m funny, I have lots of great stories, and I’m a decent listener. I actually have a lot of friends. I’m just the second friend.

So why am I so hard to be friends with? I’m honest.

When you’re looking for someone to hang out with, and your go-to friend is busy, you might call me. I’m fun, but I’m not as much fun as your first friend. No really, that other guy is way more fun than me. I just don’t like to do as many things as the other guy.

And when you get laid off your job, I’m the second friend you call. The first friend is the one you call to vent or cry with, and that helps you feel better. The second friend is the one you call when you want to know what you could have done different, what you should do next, and when you want a referral.

When you have a great startup idea, I’m the second friend you call. The first friend tells you how awesome your idea is. The second friend will tell you everything that’s wrong with your idea and how you can make it work. (Hint, it’s going to take a lot of work and time.)

When you’re really stressed about something and your first friend tells you it’s going to be okay, you’re still stressed. When your second friend tells you it’s going to be okay, you feel better. But you still called them second, because you know they would have told you if it wasn’t going to be okay.

But being honest over all these years has made me kind of crusty (and cynical, and snarky). It’s hard to tell your friends their idea is stupid. But it’s harder to watch your friends put a lot of effort into something only to have it fail. It’s hard to tell your friends everything is going to be okay, when you know it’s not (even though you know that’s what they want to hear) and then watch them be crushed when it turns out not to be okay.

No matter how much tact you have (and I do have a lot of tact — I just don’t always use it), you still lose a lot of friends being honest. When you tell your friends something is a bad idea, and they do it anyway, they sometimes don’t come back when you were right.

But when your second friend makes a recommendation, people tend to take it. And when your second friend refers someone, they usually get a call.

There’s a saying I’ve heard a few different ways:

It’s better to be trusted than loved.

While I agree with that, it’s still hard sometimes. But over the last few weeks I’ve had several people come back and tell me how helpful my advice was. I had people reach out to me and thank me for some referrals I sent their way. I helped startup friends land some big deals. I gave some parents some good advice on dealing with their children. I helped friends find new jobs.

Honestly, I prefer being the second friend. Your first friend can make you feel better. I’m content with making your life better.

Holden Page posted a response to my story here.

And I posted a response to his response here.

If you’d like to join my weekly newsletter, you can do that here.