Trusting in me

Since having EMDR therapy, I’ve found something I thought I’d lost. I’ve found a bit of me. A me that was there, hiding. And now it’s gently and gradually pushing itself back to the limelight.

The me that is kind, thoughtful, articulate, intelligent, creative, easy going. The me that can write. The me that shares a dry sense of humour with friends. The me that has friends. The me that is good.

But, and it’s a huge but. I’m missing a vital word. Enough. Am I good enough? Am I kind enough, thoughtful enough, intelligent enough, easy going enough?

I understand that what happened to me was wrong. That nothing I could ever have done warranted the physical response I received. I did nothing to deserve being hit, dragged, sworn at, or thrown.

But believing that in my very core. That’s a whole other mountain to climb. I can see progress. I can see that I’m still here. I can see that I have strengths and that I’m basically OK as a person. Intellecutally I get all of that.

In my gut though, I don’t get it at all. I feel flawed. I feel wrong somehow. How can I not be? Marrying the logical part of my brain with the emtional is not going to be an easy task. In fact I think it might be a lifelong battle. One I hope I come out of with more wins than losses.

I know one thing for sure, it makes moving forward a very slow process.