Member-only story
If There is a God, Her Name is Rage
Be okay with nothing. Suffering improves your character. Your struggles will be why you are a good person.
I was presented these ideas as a food-insecure child. Their validity was sold to me during the times we were transient homeless. Hungry for answers, I ate them, kept them in my belly, and wondered why it hurt. I cut my teeth on trauma and pretended I was better for it.
I don’t know when the transformation happened. I just know it did. And I am unapologetic about the messages I am sending my children.
I am not who I am, I am not where I am, because of my circumstances. I am who I am, I am where I am, in spite of them. And with spite, I can do anything. With spite, I can fight the world. With spite….I can fight my family.
Some suffering is good, my mother says. Struggle is good! How else will your kids learn humility?
I square my shoulders and look at her. Debate is useless. My look is one that dares her to share more of her opinions. She quiets and begins to quote scripture.
I ignore her.
She’s upset I buy them the things they ask for. Not everything, mind you. Just the things I can afford. Sometimes I wonder if she’s upset that their gifts are taking away from what I can “lend” her.
