The True Story of the Solar Eclipse of April 8, 2024
Most of you heard the conspiracy theories. The solar eclipse of April 8, 2024, would cast America into darkness for days. The eclipse was engineered by NASA so that the Egyptian snake god Apep could seize control of the planet. The eclipse allowed the European Organization for Nuclear Research to open “demonic portals.” The eclipse would be used by “globalists” to “make a big push for evil, negative energy.” The eclipse would be the end of the world. When no one was raptured, some people said the entire eclipse itself was staged.
None of it was true, of course. The truth is that the eclipse opened a gateway for Elvis Presley to return to Earth for the purpose of collecting the soul of one Michael Dean Jagielo, Rock Star, of Louisville, Kentucky.
Some context is necessary. For those of you who are not from Louisville, or who might be too young to know, Michael Dean Jagielo, Rock Star, was a feature of the local scene for a few decades. A 1995 newspaper article describes him as a “sensitive, well-meaning, trusting, mentally challenged young man.” A fair assessment. I met him not long after that story was published, when I first started teaching guitar. The saints at a local social services agency, tasked with caring for “mentally challenged young men,” pulled him off the streets and began looking for ways that Michael Dean…
