Beatles Bass Player Bites the Dust

exclusive eyewitness report of fatal car crash*

November 9, 1966: 3.30 am — Abbey Road Studios

The first recording sessions for Sergeant Pepper has not gone well. Paul has been arguing with the other Beatles, nothing new there. Only this time he really loses his temper.

Storming out of the studio, McCartney drives away in his Austin Healey but does not immediately go home. Angry — and under the influence of LSD — Paul drives aimlessly around London.

Through the rain he sees teenage girl. He stops and gives her a lift.

4.38 — approach to the M1, somewhere in North London

The Mini Cooper speeds towards a junction. Perhaps distracted by his hitchhiker, Paul doesn’t notice that the light has changed to red. He drives through the red light.

From the right an unidentified car comes racing across his path. Paul has no time to react. The second car crashes into the passenger side of the Austin Healey.

The (unidentified) girl dies on impact. Paul is rushed to a London hospital. Doctors do everything they can — but his injuries are too serious. Paul McCartney is pronounced dead just before 5.00am.

05.40 — Unidentified Hospital

The hospital then contacts The Beatles’ manager, Brian Epstein — don’t ask how they got his number. Brian immediately calls the other Beatles who leap from their beds (unlikely, particularly in John’s case). All three are present in the ICU when the machines are turned off and Paul passes away.

The Beatles are now a trio. Bummer! They briefly grieve for their old pal. Yeah, he was a control freak but he did write some good tunes. George takes the opportunity to point out (again) that he also writes songs, and that it isn’t really fair that he only gets one per album.

‘Not now, George,’ says John sternly. ‘This is not the time or place.’

06.35 — Cafe, somewhere in Swiss Cottage, London NW8

The three surviving Beatles order full English breakfasts. Brian prefers a single poached egg. The conversation turns to their sans-Paul future.

‘What are we going to do, Brian?’ asks John. ‘We can’t carry on without Paul! His fans won’t stand for it.’

‘But you’ve got contracts to complete,’ says Brian. ‘You can’t just end The Beatles!’

They think about this for a moment. Being the world’s biggest pop stars has its compensations.

‘We could do the new album,’ says John. ‘It was going to be all Paul as usual but I’ve got a gear new song for us about a submarine.’

‘Fine by me,’ says Ringo. ‘I mean I’m sad about Paul -’

‘We all are’

‘But at least he won’t be able to to play my drum parts now.’

‘Or to tell me how to play my guitar,’ adds George. ‘That’s why I took up me sitar.’

‘You’re not playing it on every track though, George,’ warns John.

‘No just on my ones. Or one as it always is.’

‘Perhaps you make an even greater contribution now,’ says Brian brightly.

‘The good thing is that he won’t be able to boss us around again,’ says John.

They all nod in agreement. ‘Or make us dress in stupid costumes,’ adds Ringo. ‘Did you see the suits he wanted for this Pepper thing?’

The mood lightens. Maybe there is a way forward.

‘Bryan, call up that impersonator guy,’ says George. ‘The one who won the Paul look-alike competition. He fooled me! And I’ve known Paul since I was twelve!’

Over further coffees and cigarettes the decision is confirmed. The Beatles will continue, despite the demise of their too-big-for-his-boots bass player.

This information is TOP SECRET and should not be revealed to anyone ever. The cover-up has begun.

*from special correspondent who wasn’t there when it didn’t happen. Full history of The Paul is Dead legend here.