Our buddy and fellow Ten Pens writer Evan Melendez recently announced he is going to be a dad. Before deciding to offer our congrats or condolences, we rounded up the folks at Ten Pens to discuss the merits of this news.
Antonio: I’m winning cause I have 2 kids already. #micdropped
Aaron: I think that means you’re LOSING cash
Sony: Do you guys actually enjoy having kids? Like seriously?
Aaron: Seriously, I never wanted kids…until I had one.
Antonio: Yeah. I couldn’t see myself not having my kids.
Sony: You have a boy and a girl right? I’m sure you have favorite…come ooooon.
Antonio: Yeah. A boy and girl. Both different experiences.
Vijai: Don’t kids get in the way of having a life? (Says the man who does whatever the hell he wants)
Aaron: Yes. They absolutely do. That’s partly why I never wanted them… well actually, that’s 100% why I never wanted them
Sony: I feel like you guys are reinforcing to me why I’m afraid of one of these things. So why cop one? What’s the value proposition?
Vijai: What’s the value prop…God bless you.
Evan: Well, taxes on homes in New York can easily average 10k a year so I need all the breaks I can get. I’m excited.
Sony: Tax break… okay I like this. That’s why I got married.
Antonio: A boy is fun times because of male bonding and turning him into a man. We play golf, basketball, football, baseball etc. Watch sports together. He’s a big Giants fan, Yankees fan, and Magic fan.
Sony: Yeah, I’ve heard something similar to that. Basically you get a little friend to take around with you. Pretty dope.
Evan: Oh I bet. I know none of you are going to be playing NBA 2K38 with me so a boy would be nice.
Vijai: Marriage and kids are two different things as it pertains to tax breaks. A woman could technically add value within the construct of marriage, whereas a kid…well, yes you get your 10k break but at what cost, financially? I feel like any argument for kids should not be so bent on ROI, in any sense. Too much risk. Too much cost up front. There really isn’t much argument for them, financially
Evan: These are going to be the words I’m using when I can no longer afford birthday gifts... “There really isn’t much argument for you financially”
Aaron: It seems like no one ever wants to say this, but having a child didn’t get cool until he developed a personality. Until then it was like having a very needy pet. But once he got a little older and could communicate through more than screams, I got a lot more attached. It’s at that point that he becomes a little buddy, which is pretty fun.
Vijai: So, having a kid is like joining a frat? Pay for company, cost up front, and best case scenario hope to benefit financially in the long run…?
Sony: Sounds like it. Tony you have a favorite though, right?
Antonio: No favorite. Because I have a boy and girl it’s just a different type of bond. If I had two girls or boys then maybe I understand how a parent could have a favorite.
Evan: STOP. Everyone has a favorite.
Sony: Seriously, come on Tony. In a vaccum: Who do you love more? Don’t worry we wont tell anyone (except strangers on the interwebs).
Antonio: Honestly I love both the same. I really enjoy a different bond with them.
Evan: Okay, so I probably need about 10 hours of sleep a day to function. I’m nervous about the screams. Is it really that bad? I hear mixed things.
Aaron: Yeah, 10 hours will be a thing of the past soon, don’t worry…
Antonio: First three months are the hardest. No sleep, and they have no personality. But then it starts to get interesting. Six months is a very fun time cause you watch them learn and figure things out for the first time.
Evan: I agree that I really gravitate towards 1 year-olds. I love how they have this sense of wonder about them and that you are basically a god when you do the smallest things — like toss a ball in the air……… I just realized how incredibly creepy the first part of that sentence sounded. This is off to a great start.
Evan: Your perspective of weirdness will change when you’re having a kid. Mine isn’t even born yet but my general perspective on the idea just re-shaped my world. It’s crazy.
Brad: We know that Evan has a thing for 1-year-olds.
Sony: Don’t worry, this will get edited first. (Editor’s Note: or not)
Brad: When he says its going to be edited he means we just found our pull quote for the heading of the article.
Sony: I always thought it was really a godsend that you both had kids first. They could make all the mistakes before raising our children.
Brad: Aaron saved me a ton of money in divorce attorneys and child support payments. 15 women can save me 15% on car insurance.
Sony: Okay, serious question that will make-or-break my interest. Does having a baby help you get women?
Brad: … and if so can I borrow him?
Vijai: Right, cause that’s why we’re all here. Purpose driven life.
Sony: Do you trot that thing out like a dog in the park?
Evan: It works with dogs. Can’t imagine babies being any different.
Vijai: Wait… where did Aaron go?
Sony: I think he left our convo to wipe the feces off his baby.
Aaron: Sorry I’m back! Yeah, having a cute little boy at my side seriously does help. Yesterday I was out getting ice cream with a friend and I had Tristan… the entire store is run by cute college girls.
Vijai: In what world did “help” in this category ever become an issue for you?
Aaron: It just opens the door for stupid little comments that always get a laugh. Like when they tell me what I owe, and I look at Tristan on my hip and say “Are you buying this one?” and then stare blankly at him.
Vijai: I’m sure your baby game is off the charts. Though, if Achilles walks the park it doesn’t matter if he’s holding a baby or a gun…he’s gonna pull.
Evan: Or as Achilles puts it “that’s why no one will remember your name.”
Vijai: Achhhiiiiillllllleeeeessss.
Evan: ACHIIIIIIILLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS. The first movie my kid is watching is Troy. I’ve decided.
Sony: It’s gonna be great when all of our kids are older. How many kids would you want fellas?
Evan: Two. No more no less. The wife agrees. Everyone wins.
Aaron: I’m done with one. But as you just pointed out, the partner needs to agree.
Brad: You realize this fall is the 15th anniversary of our friendship? Imagine if our kids have a 15-year head start on us.
Sony: This only works if we try to stay on one topic at a time fellas.
Brad: So where is Shawn Marion going?
Brad: #thisiswhywehaveaneditor
Vijai: Three most likely. Anything more would be God ordained or woman inspired. Anything less would prob be a deliberate stoppage.
Brad: Not sure I can barely find a wife. Me either two or four want to even number.
Sony: I like your even number concept, but I think three would be ideal so they can play Hoop-It-Up. Don’t want some fatty from next door messing with team chemistry.
Aaron: Yeah, their chances of making the NBA are tough enough without that fatty ruining their game.
Brad: Evan, are you planning on raising your two kids where you live in TriBeCa or do you leave the city at some point?
Evan: Are you considering that I may be homeless? Because than yes, I could plan on raising my kids on a street in TriBeCa. Otherwise no.
Brad: Honestly the concept of having kids was one of the factors that made it might be easier if not easy person to leave New York City because I knew at one point I was going to when kids came around
Sony: He just wrote the headline.
Brad: I’m still driving/texting in the rain. Several more opportunities to never be able to have kids were avoided.
Antonio: Okay I’m turning in for the night. One fact when you have young kids is that when they sleep, you sleep.
Sony: Real quick question before you go bed-timey: As current fathers, do you make you kid play sports, music or anything else? You training them in anything?
Evan: I think the key is exposure. If I force “raise my kids to like the Knicks” for example they will just learn that they don’t have to defend themselves, their family or defend anything for that matter. Should spend money wildly and hope for the best. And trade away their future brothers and sisters for injured 36 year old men... that last one may have been too literal.
Antonio: Yes. You force them to play sports if it’s a boy. It’s your job to turn them into a man and keep them from getting fat.
Sony: Wow really? You make a conscious effort to get him into sports? A lot of parents seem to be on this “Well I juuust leet Jimmy do whaaaateveer his heeart tells him toooo.”
Aaron: Mine is too young to play anything yet, but I’m definitely going to push him toward sports AND music, if he has any ability. Right now he loves to dance and appears to have rhythm, so that’s a plus.
Sony: LMAO Spence “he appears to have rhythm”
Antonio: Yes. My son plays baseball in little league and is actually really good. This year he made all stars. Had a batting average over 500 and played first base like a champ.
Sony: If Dylan was like “Dad I don’t wanna play baseball anymore I want to join the school play” would you let him? I’m being kinda serious.
Aaron: You mean if Dylan wants to be like us?
Sony: Yeah, little chorus/theater losers.
Antonio: I don’t know. I lucked out cause Dylan loves sports so much. I’d be fine if he wasn’t any good at sports I wouldn’t force him to do it, but the kid has talent. I’d be okay if he wanted to be in a play, as long as he’s staying active and not sitting around getting fat haha.
Aaron: Wow, you just hate fat people.
Vijai: Yea, what’s with the fat hate?
Sony: I’m glad my not-yet-born chubby kid wont live near you. Dylan would murder him.
Antonio: I’m also working with him on basketball. I have a hoop in the driveway. It’s adjustable but I keep it set on 10 feet ‘cause he needs to learn the real deal. He used to whine and ask me to lower it so he could make it in easier and I refused. At 6 he was able to make a full sized ball in on a 10ft hoop. He’s now 7 and can play a legit game of horse with me.
Aaron: So for 6 years, he was literally incapable of playing with you, yet you refused to lower it to get some manly bonding in?
Sony: That’s demented. And amazing.
Aaron: “Daddy daddy, please lower it! I’m physically incapable of throwing the ball that high!” “MAN UP, SON!”
Sony: I liked how articulate you made 5 year-old Dylan sound “physically incapable of throwing the ball in” is that how Tristan speaks?
Aaron: That’s not how all children speak?
Evan: I’m pretty sure Antonio is abusing his child
Sony: “Daaad but I” “SHUT UP YOU @^$^&!!”
Vijai: He just had Dylan sit and watch while he was draining 3's
Antonio: No guys haha. His first hoop was a play one in his room. When I got the driveway hoop he was 5. I let him play on it lowered until he had enough strength that I knew he could play on normal height. That’s when I pushed him to practice and get used to it. First with a small ball and now with full sized.
Brad: His son asked for “juice” and he thought that meant steroids…
Evan: How cool would it be if ‘roids became legal in 15 years. Oh man our kids are going to be beasts.
Brad: That’s why I’m holding out…
Antonio: Can we continue this tomorrow? I’m have to be out for now.
Vijai: It’s funny, we start a baby thread and everyone has a bed time.
Sony: Okay, lastly: do you have any parenting advice for Evan?
Aaron: Learn to take them with you when you do things around town so you don’t feel like your entire life has been limited by them. And seriously… tell that little nugget you love it every day — too many men don’t, and it’s important.
Antonio: Yes. That’s a fact. If you don’t they will get fat. ☺
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