It’s Halloween season, which means everyone is busting out their tubs o’ decorations and rediscovering just how sexy-cool Gomez and Morticia have been through the ages, but I just wanted to point out that for many vegans, aligning with the spooky season is not just a passing thing.
I’d even go so far as to say that vegans are bewitchingly in affinity with October 31 year-round because we are mysterious and magical AF. Don’t believe me? Here are ten ways that vegans express our inner-sorcerers 365 days a year, not just when pumpkin spice is in the air.
1. Kitchen Witchery
I kid you not, we can make cheese mainly out of random things in our produce drawers. Got an onion, some garlic, potatoes, carrots, cashews and a few other odds and ends? Congratulations, you’ve got a rich, creamy and umami-packed cheese sauce you’ll be scraping the blender to get every last drop out of, my friend. What sorcery is this? Everyday vegan sorcery, that’s what. Extra points if you add a little magic powder, AKA nooch, which is virtually its own vegan food group. Ask any vegan and we all have our own formulas for creating cheese out of thin air. Abracadabra, witches!
2. Communing with Seitan
Back in the olden days, legend has it that magical types would toss eye of newt or toe of frog into their bubbling cauldrons but you’d never find such ghastliness in our precious kettles. Vegans prove they are mysterious and magical AF every day by creating and eating rib-sticking, savory and flavorful proteins that don’t harm newts, frogs or any other creatures for that matter. The plant kingdom is our creative culinary playground because we take the witchcraft maxim of “harming none” to heart.
3. Animal Nature
Vegans often have a rescued cat or seven (who’s counting?) on our laps and while felines are frequent companions for spellbinding herbivores, we are also often found cohabitating with adopted dogs, bunnies, birds and more from the animal planet. Of course, the species that some non-magical types eat, like chickens, pigs and cows, are included in our protection spells.
4. Vanishing and Revealing
Even newbie vegans just beginning to access their personal powers can make haters virtually disappear — or just wish they could — simply by showing up at a meal. Conversely, we can make adversaries reveal themselves just by being identified as vegan. It isn’t always a lot of fun to discover who’s an anti-vegan bigot but isn’t it still good to know? Thought so. We don’t need to dip into our bag of supernatural tricks to find this out.
5. Lightning Speed Comprehension
We can scan ingredient panels with an astonishing swiftness and accuracy, skimming for verboten contents and discerning what is acceptable or not in less time it takes a regular mortal to put on a pair of socks.
6. Menu Meddling
Who can use their creative powers at a business lunch at a steakhouse and end up with a perfectly decent meal because they knew to ask for black beans, steamed spinach and salsa with their baked potato from various parts of the menu and end up with something much better than the sum of its parts? A mysterious and magical AF vegan, that’s who!
7. Lotions and Potions
Got a harmless but persistent little rash? Your vegan friend will reach in her bag and pull out calendula ointment. Feeling like you might be coming down with a cold? Vegans know to stock up on oregano extract and elderberry. Need an ounce of prevention? Vegans will tell you to put some tea tree oil in your diffuser. Is your skin looking a little dull? Open your ‘fridge to make a pomegranate pulp, avocado mash and ground oats facial masque. We know these things because we’re mysterious and magical AF. Oh, also, we’re good at Googling.
8. Evil Eye
Years of holding unpopular opinions, hearing random annoying people say “Mmm…bacon” and standing out in the rain at protests have combined to help your average vegan cultivate an evil eye that would give pause to anyone but the most foolhardy. Do not underestimate the power of our stink eye, mortals!
9. Predictors of the Future
We vegans did not need to look into a magic ball to know that eventually, the world was going to start coming around to what we’ve been saying all along: compassion, justice and sustainability are essential for our planet and her inhabitants. Slowly but surely, the world is waking up to our message but, again, we saw that coming.
10. Vision into Being
If something doesn’t exist yet, vegans will bring it into manifestation through vision, innovation and sheer force of will. From developing a durable pineapple leather for replacing animal hides to stylish coats that are warm and cozy without feathers, we collectively dream these things into being and then make it actually happen. Like witches and wizards, vegans are all about creating a new reality to better fit their vision of a world with less needless suffering, so it only makes sense that we feel at home in the Halloween season.
Not convinced? Why don’t you go vegan for a month and tell me that your mysterious and magical quotient didn’t get a good boosting? [Insert knowing cackle.]