Productivity Tips From a Cat
“Make sure you get your full 14 hours of sleep.”
As a cat I know there is much that humans envy about me. They enjoy my cuteness, lifestyle, and influence, but most of all they envy my productivity. I can’t teach you how to be irresistibly cute. However I do have some tips to help you be more productive.
1. Your brain functions best when you’ve had enough sleep. Get your full 14 hours of rest a day so you can create your finest content when you’re awake.
2. Your best work can only be done if your stomach is full. Don’t be afraid to scream for your meal. If your boss wants you to be productive, they’ll feed you.
3. If a new cuter co-worker comes to the office don’t let them forget you were there first. Fear of being replaced can really curtail your productivity. While you can’t hit them like I would a kitten, I suggest staring them down for a solid four minutes while aggressively slurping an iced coffee.
4. Think outside the box. Or climb in the box. Perhaps hide in the box. You can also shred the box to make sure you aren’t missing any good ideas.
5. Make a list of the things you need to do and accomplish the harder tasks first. They may take longer but you’ll feel relieved once they are off your plate. For example I have to lick my butt for a good 3 hours before I’m satisfied with my work. After that chasing mice is child’s play.
6. Put all of your focus into whatever you are doing. There’s no point in doing something if it’s not done well. When I have to stare at a designated spot on the wall I put my heart into it. If your boss isn’t asking, “Are you alright,” and coming to look at your progress, then you aren’t doing your job right.
7. Breaks are important. Meditate throughout the day. Your boss may accuse you of sleeping. Inform them that you’re just very good at meditation.
8. Don’t be afraid to take on a challenge. Impress your boss by doing something they didn’t think you could do, like climbing to the highest shelf, or pushing the cat food bag off the counter. Taking initiative will get you noticed. They will be shouting from the sheer pleasure of how much work you’ve gotten done.
9. Let your boss know you have their back. They get stressed, so lessen their load by taking away their ability to use their keyboard. If you have thumbs unplug their WiFi.
10. Being consistent is key. Get things in on time, every day. Like clockwork I deliver dead mouse straight to front porch. Honestly I don’t know what my boss would do without me.