Dare I Say It: Everything I Wish I’d Known About Menopause by Naomi Watts: My Top 10 Takeaways

Next week I am delivering week 7 of the Navigating Midlife for Women course (WELL-26) through Stanford Continuing Studies, and the topic is on women’s health / menopause, which has prompted me to do some additional research on the latest and (hopefully) greatest in these areas. While in Portland a few weeks ago, I had to visit the bookstore of all bookstores, Powell’s, and couldn’t resist picking up Dare I Say It by actress and producer Naomi Watts.

It’s heartening to see more and more books and research focused on women’s health, especially beyond fertility. The more we talk about it, the more we share our experiences with each other, the less isolated and alone we women will feel, especially through phases of our lives that have previously been stigmatized.

I’m noodling over an idea that her book prompted about gathering stories from women between the ages of 50 and 65 to show us GenXers what is possible, and inspire the women coming up behind us. She said, “I’m always eager to see more storytelling about women getting what they want rather than narratives built around women as the objects of desire.”

In the meantime, I’ve summarized my top takeaways from her book, Dare I Say It, to tease you into reading it, or if it’s TLDR, these notes are for you.

Note: all bolded, italicized quotes are from the book. As with all of my ‘takeaway’ blog posts, I may have taken the liberty of making some minor changes for ease of communication and have made every effort to maintain the integrity of the author’s intent.

1. “Midlife is really the time to take stock: Are you exercising? Are you trying to have a good diet? Are you managing your stress?” I’ll add: are you deepening your relationships to ward off loneliness? Getting your financial house in order? Realistically managing your health? Are you living in alignment with your values? Are you living YOUR life?
2. “I can’t get over how often women’s discomfort is ignored and how much I’ve minimized it in my own life. We don’t have to suffer at this age; we deserve to feel better…even great.” It is not a badge of honor to suffer; we don’t get a gold star or a blue ribbon. Unfortunately, patriarchy requires us to set aside our comfort for the comfort of others, and needs us feeling like shit so we can’t focus outwardly and claim our space on the planet. As Eve Rodsky is quoted as saying in the book, “The oldest tools of the patriarchy are about controlling how women use their time.”
3. “We need to be reminded that we should be compassionate with ourselves. None of the choices we have to make are easy.” Yesterday, I reminded a woman of this as we were talking about what to do next professionally. In vocalizing this very thing, I too was reminded to be more compassionate with myself. The world judges us constantly and harshly; we don’t need to add to that garbage.
4. “And after we’ve gone through menopause, we get closer to making decisions based entirely on what we want to do, not what others want from us. This is the age when we realize that all through our lives, we’ve felt pressured by and succumbed to these expectations and hormones that we didn’t necessarily sign up for.” At 45, I wouldn’t have believed this. At almost 55, I wholeheartedly agree with this. The fuck it 50s are real, and this is great for us, for the people around us, and for our planet. If we live in alignment with our values and desires, while it will be an adjustment for the people around us, in the end, it will be better for all of us, but especially us women.
5. “While many of us find our libido plummeting in middle age, some people find themselves able to embrace a new form of sexuality that feels good for them, because they know themselves, and they lose the awkwardness of youth. There is, though, often a fear of change or a period of adjustment before we find our desire again.” Dr. Sharon Malone is quoted in the book to say, “When you don’t feel well, you don’t want sex.” As we go through the menopause transition, we lose sight of who we are, so it’s not just that we don’t feel well, we don’t even know what we want. There’s a lot of unnecessary confusion and distress that can be combatted with information, transparency, and better research and innovation in women’s health.
6. “There is little about being a girl or woman that shame does not touch.” We hide our developing bodies, the fact that we have periods and any discomfort related to them. We are shamed if we have kids, don’t have kids, stay home with kids, work and leave our kids in the care of someone else. We are shamed if we age naturally and if we try to age ‘gracefully’ by enlisting alternate means to ‘combat’ aging. The list goes on and on in a patriarchal society, where women are expected to police other women, where we are expected to be perfect, where we are expected to constantly hit a moving target of perfection (or goodness) that is arbitrated by a multitude of unknown arbitrators. We are not set up to win. So we need to let that shit go!
7. “The only way to maintain a sense of personal style as we age is to accept that we are aging and out bodies are changing. Style is not static. It must evolve as we do or we get stuck in the idea that who we were is the only version of ourselves,” as Stacy London is quoted in the book. She goes on to say, “Try approaching that process with wonder and curiosity rather than grief. Everything about personal style should be geared toward your happiness and comfort at any age.” As a teenager and until my mid 40s, my mantra was beauty over pain and discomfort. Why was this even in my brain, let alone acceptable? We shouldn’t have to wait until the rest of us (body and mind) is so uncomfortable due to perimenopause that we start to focus on happiness and comfort. It took perimenopause and a pandemic for me to say no to stilettos and anything that made me feel the slightest bit constricted. I strive to look stylish and cute but not at the expense of my comfort or major impact on my pocketbook.
8. “The point is, I was brave back them. So I can be brave now when it comes to taking risks in life. We took chances when we were younger, and didn’t we know so much less back then? Midlife is a good time to bet on ourselves again.” One could argue that we took risks because we didn’t know as much and we didn’t know what could be at stake. Regardless, the point is that it is YOUR life to live, no one is going to define what you need and want, and no one is going to make it happen for you. And we are actually running out of time. I’m now terrified (slight exaggeration) of looking back with regret over not going for what I wanted. So take the plunge; the water’s warm!
9. “I remind myself of what I’ve done and who I am and why I’m in the room. And I’ve found that when I act in ways that are consistent with my values, I never regret having taken the leap.” This is key…living and acting in alignment with our values gets and keeps us on our own path. Not everything is going to work out as desired or planned, but we can recover from most things, make the most of any situation, learn from it, and take the next step or action more experienced and wiser. But first you have to define your values. My values are freedom, connection, and self-respect. What are yours?
10. “What if the point of menopause is to break up with our formal self?” I LOVE this! It’s nature’s way of giving us permission to redefine what we want, who we want in our life, how we want to live our life, essentially allowing us to define and live a life of our own creation. As I say in my book, Piloting Your Life, we must be the pilots in our own lives.

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Are you inspired to take action based on any of these takeaways? Anything you wish to add? What are some of your favorite books on navigating midlife for women? Let me know in the comments or drop me a line at pilotingyourlife@gmail.com.

This is not an endorsement for Bird scooters, especially since they filed for bankruptcy in 2023. Such a waste of good VC money!

About the Author

Terri Hanson Mead is the multi-award winning author of Piloting Your Life, Managing Partner of Solutions2Projects, LLC, travel journalist and vlogger with her husband Zeke (Zeke and Terri), Stanford Continuing Studies Instructor (Navigating Midlife for Women), and an advocate for women through all of her platforms including YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and this blog. Terri, the mother of a college junior (currently studying abroad) and recent college graduate, is based in Redwood City, CA and in her spare time, loves to travel, cook, play tennis, and fly helicopters around the San Francisco Bay Area, especially under the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and she will never pass up a glass of good bubbly!