Dropping the Rope: PYL In-Flight Entertainment: Jun 21, 2022
Welcome Back My Resistant Passengers:
This is going to be a tough summer for me. Finn is chomping at the bit to leave the nest and I am desparately holding on to them. As my friend Jacqueline said when we went through this with our first kids three years ago, it’s like living with a caged animal. We are both going through this again with our second kids.
You’d think that leading up to Finn leaving for NOLS in March I would have already figured this out and that I would be totally chill. They left. They came back. We still have a pretty good relationship.
I’m reminded of the analogy of holding on to the edge of a swimming pool on the side where there’s not a lot of goodness left on the one side, and while there is the potential for new goodness on the other side, it’s really tough to let go of the comfy known to go to the unknown.
Holding on too tight isn’t good for any of us. I’m creating unnecessary and unhealthy resistance and squandering / poisoning the last 58 days before Finn heads to UVM (and turns 18).
Today’s meditation topic was on effortlessness and I listened very carefully to the Simple Habit person guide us through the 5 minute meditation. While I’d like this time to be effortless with less resistance, it’s another major time of change for me, Finn, and Zeke and it’s really uncomfortable.
I’m not one to simply let things happen to me. Part of it is a need for control but it’s also part of living intentionally. I want to actively participate in the process.
Last night Finn got back from climbing with their friend Eli, and Zeke and I were watching Never Have I Ever in the living room (if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it).
Once again, Finn reiterated that they are turning off Life360 on August 18th when they leave for college and turn 18. I asked Finn to wait until the 19th so I could make sure they got to UVM ok and Finn said no, and silently dared me to challenge them again.
At that moment I had a choice: drop the rope and let go, or pull harder and create more friction.
I kept my mouth shut and let it go. It did not feel good.
I know this is all age appropriate and healthy. As Zeke reminded me this morning, Adam has come around and is generally lovely to be with and is communicating regularly with us. It took three tough years to get to this point and I’m not looking forward to the gap in my heart as we all work through process. Again. With Finn all the way across the country.
Even as I write this, I can feel the discomfort of the anxiety with my chest tightening, heart racing a little, and my breathing shallower and faster.
As I write this from our new favorite coffee shop, Little Green in Redwood City, I remind myself to breathe. George is laying comfortably at my feet. I am surrounded by plants, great light, good tunes on the turntable, and lovely energy.
Breathe in the goodness. Breathe out and let go. Breathe in the goodness. Breathe out and let go.
I wonder when this will get easier, letting go.
While I am experiencing this acutley with Finn, I know this is something that shows up over and over in my personal and professional life. This is a lesson that I continue to struggle to learn. You’d think that with practice I would be perfect at this point but no, I’m still learning.
May you find peace, acceptance, and love today as you navigate being human.
With much love and gratitude,
P.S. Take the controls and be the pilot in your own life. It’s a beautiful day to fly, and you are cleared for takeoff.
Facebook Group: Piloting Your Life (the book)
Facebook Page: Piloting Your Life