Setting Boundaries: PYL In-Flight (May 1, 2021)
Welcome Back My Quiet Passengers:
I love to organize events and bring people together. I like being thoughtful, generous and creative. I like acknowledging people on their birthdays or other special days or in times of crisis.
But why? Is it for me? Is it for others? Both? How do I benefit from this and how do I avoid setting myself up for resentment and disappointment when the same is not done for me?
I also love generating content (social media posts, blog posts, YouTube videos, TikToks, etc.) to share what I am thinking, asking, or going through because I know I am not alone in thinking or feeling the way I do. I know it makes others feel less odd, less alone, and sometimes makes them feel seen.
I know I’ve always been the one to ask the questions that others were thinking but were unwilling or unable to ask.
Once again, how do I benefit from this?
I had a few realizations this past month and I am working through what it all means.
I ran into a friend at the market earlier in the month, someone I am not very close to but we know each other through our kids and school. She commented that she often reads or watches some of my content and thinks about reaching out to get together for a glass of champagne to discuss, but never does because she thinks I am too busy.
She also said that a lot of what I say resonates with her and she appreciates me saying it, but she doesn’t comment on my posts or my newsletters or my YouTube videos.
I don’t think she is alone. In fact, I know she isn’t.
Something else happened this week where I checked in on some friends to make sure they got home safely. No one checked on me.
Somehow, I have created this persona of being too busy and completely self-sufficient. Of not needing anyone else. None of this is true.
Why does this matter?
I end up resenting the fact that a lot of people rely on me and don’t necessarily return the favor. I resent others when I put time and energy into events, virtual or IRL, and then people take it for granted that I will always organize or coordinate something. They get to decide whether (and how) to show up or not. I put in the effort; they don’t always do the same.
I end up feeling alone. And sad. And wondering what the hell I am doing wrong.
What am I doing about this?
- Short term, I am taking a break from organizing or facilitating anything until I figure out how to do it in a healthy way.
- I am working on boundaries.
- I am letting go of attachments and expectations.
- I am starting to ask for what I want and need.
None of this is going to be easy because I am going to have to refrain from doing what I’ve always done to create healthier relationships with others and with myself.
YouTube: Who? What? How? A bit of an existential crisis.
I thought I was having an existential crisis, but it turns out I’m just languishing per Adam Grant in a NYT article. More in last week’s video.
YouTube: PYL Book Club Latest Favorites
What are you reading? I launched the PYL Book Club in September and have shared 16–17 books. I talked about some of my favorites in this video including The Business of Lovers, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, and The Vanishing Half. Plus Finn shares what they are reading. Spoiler: A Gentleman in Moscow. P.S. I just finished All the Ways We Said Goodbye and need a new book so let me know what I should read/share next.
What’s my ask for you today? Subscribe to my YouTube channel. Follow me on TikTok. Buy my book for yourself or a friend. If you like what you see or hear on my various platforms, share it with others. If you have a thought or a comment about what I post or share, let me know. Engage with me. Want to get together for a cocktail or coffee? Ask me. Help me be seen in the world the way I see you.
With much love and gratitude,
P.S. Take the controls and be the pilot in your own life. It’s a beautiful day to fly, and you are cleared for takeoff.
Facebook Group: Piloting Your Life (the book)
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