I’m Sexy and I Know It: PYL In-Flight: Apr 23, 2025
Welcome Back My Sexy Passengers:
I absolutely love this picture of my husband! I took it last week, at the coworking space in Bordeaux. It was right before I took a quick recording of him talking about needing a haircut, which we included in an Instagram post and poll on where he should get his haircut. Despite his whack-a-doodle hair, I think he looks very sexy. He would say he looks ridiculous and confused. Well, maybe there’s a little bit of that, too.
The other day I was feeling the opposite of sexy. I’ve discussed in Piloting Your Life how my body, skin, face, hair, everything has changed, and it continues to be a hard adjustment. I’d like to say I’ve accepted and made peace with this part of aging, but I would be lying. I spend way too many brain cycles concerned about my appearance, and whether or not my husband finds me sexy.
But what about him? Does he ever wonder if he’s sexy to me? The answer is no. He never thinks about this and therefore never worries about it. How do I know? I asked him, of course. His response didn’t surprise me but it did annoy me. Initially. And then it inspired me.
As a boy, as a man, he was never taught to associate his value with his appearance, his perceived sexiness, or alignment with a specific physical ideal. He said that when he was younger, he was aware that other men might be perceived as sexy or attractive but he didn’t see himself as either, and felt he was more closely aligned with men who were funny and whacky like Steve Martin. (It’s no surprise that I have always seen my husband as a combination of Steve Martin, David Letterman, and Dougie Howser, even as far back as high school)
I don’t recall ever having the opportunity to make a conscious choice about whether I wanted to be perceived as sexy or attractive. I remember old men in their 50s making comments about my appearance and hitting on me in my early teens. I developed early and always looked older and I am sure the so-called positive attention I received only re-enforced my desire for more of it.
Looking back, it feels downright creepy and disgusting and I so wish I could wave a magic wand and tell young Terri that she was worth so much more than her appearance. I wish I could tell her that the men who were seeking her for her appearance, had their own issues and definitely needed therapy.
I know a lot of it stems from the patriarchy and the expectations of girls and women to be in service to men which we can all agree is total bullshit.
Intellectually I know this, but the conditioning is so ingrained, that getting past the feeling that I need to look sexy and attractive based on unrealistic social expectations feels insurmountable.
We are editing videos from our current Europe trip and I am spending a lot of time trying not to hate myself as I look at some of the images.
I keep coming back to my husband saying that he never thinks about whether he is sexy to me or not. Does he just take it for granted? Should I be mad? Does it mean that he doesn’t care? No. He sees the attraction as something beyond the physical. He said it’s chemistry. And then he joked about how he’s had opportunities with many super models but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I’m laughing so hard right now, the tears are rolling down my face.
I remember when we had moved to San Francisco after I finished my MBA and we were living in a tiny place on the corner of Church and 20th near Dolores Park and even though I was probably close to being at my ‘hottest,’ I didn’t feel like I was. What my body looked like didn’t match up to what I was seeing as the ideal in movies or on TV or in magazines and I felt very self-conscious about it. I remember complaining about it to Zeke and he said, and I quote, ‘I don’t care if you eat an entire chocolate cake before you get into bed each night, I just want you there, naked.’
I am 99.9% positive he’d say the same thing today, except it would be French pastries and not chocolate cake because he knows I don’t really like chocolate.
Which reminds me that we all have different tastes and preferences. Just because I see posts about girls/women needing/wanting chocolate for PMS or when sad or for Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t make me want chocolate. I’ll take a nice vanilla/fruit/custard treat over chocolate any day. Unless of course you add to the chocolate, some nuts or caramel or marshmallow or…you get the picture.
I remember reading somewhere that we aren’t supposed to be attractive or sexy to ourselves. I wish I could remember where I saw that and what the context was because it makes a lot of sense. We can’t see what makes us attractive or interesting to other people, even platonically with friends.
We can only focus on being our most authentic selves (with a fair amount of self-reflection and awareness) and trust that those we are meant to enjoy being around, find us. And then, of course, that we find them equally as interesting and enjoyable to be around as they get to be their authentic selves.
So to hell with patriarchal expectations (yet again) and hello to leaning into being insanely authentic, however we may look! That is when are at our most attractive, and sexiest to the person / people (no judgment here!) who matter. And, to hell with the rest of them!
May you find peace, acceptance, and love today as you navigate being human.
With much love and gratitude,
Terri
This week’s song: Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO. When Zeke and I were talking about whether he is concerned about whether I find him sexy, this song was running in the background of my mind. How could it not?
Journal Prompt: When do I feel my best? When do I feel most authentically me? How can I find more time for that?
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